My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"

"No it doesn't", I said.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife.

Thank you, Mom!

When I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas she told me, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."

So I bought her nothing.

I wrote a book on penguins...

In hindsight, paper would have been much easier.

One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world...

...then you'll all be sorry!

Batman told me he was skipping church this week.

Classic Christian Bale.

A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day.

He discovered he was a tad Polish.

I went to Chinatown today, but there were too many bright lights.

So I asked them to dim sum.

I don't understand why everyone says the KKK is racist.

Every night at our meetings, there are lots of black people hanging around.

My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up.

So I just packed my bags and right.

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type ...

He kept saying "Be positive", but it's going to be hard to do without him around.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says, "Um, I think we got this joke wrong."

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

Friends are like snow.

When you pee on them, they disappear.

After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, amigo.

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks...

Bad Minton.

With the rise of self driving vehicles...

we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

God damned millennials!

Walking around like they rent the place.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

There's no pleasing my wife sometimes.

She wanted help with the housework so I got my girlfriend to come round and she went mental.

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, just remember...

There is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

I have two boys, 5 and 6.

We're no good at naming things in our house.

Communists and Trump supporters really aren't all that different...

They both want a world with no class.

Donald Trump walks into a bar.

And promptly lowers it.

I was at the local pool yesterday and decided to pee in the deep end.

The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!

Yes sir, it's fresh ground!

if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married...

Just find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.

I've just been fired from the clock making factory...

after all those extra hours I put in.

My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure"...

...is one way to tell your kid that they're adopted.

I am afraid to make a political joke now.

It might get elected president.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad.

You would have such big shoes to fill.

I finally figured out Donald Trump

You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Never make fun of fat girls with lisps.

They're thick and tired of it.

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...

It's still fowl language.

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

People say filling animals with helium is wrong.

But I say, whatever floats your goat.

A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine and asks, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?"

The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan."

The lady walking ahead of me sped up, so I did too. She began running so I ran too. She screamed so I screamed as well.

I never even saw what we were running from.

Two condoms are walking past a gay bar.

One condom turns to the other and says, "Wanna get shitfaced tonight?!"

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

If life gives you melons...

You probably have dyslexia.

Today is International Women's Day.

It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

I was in a taxi today and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said, "Turn left."

I want to say comforters are superior to quilts.

But I don't like to make blanket statements.

Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working.

I just have to die on Thursday.

My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now he's just Dav.

I was asked to write a 1,000 word essay for class.

But I just turned in a picture instead.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

Baby, I hope you are an ISO file.

Cuz I wanna mount you.

Just been banned from a Christian dating website.

Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump, some questioned whether he could actually speak English.

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.

Apparently, "I do" is not the correct answer.

I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China."

It was her made-in name.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I recently started the new Brexit diet.

So far I've lost hundreds of millions of pounds.

I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.

So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.

You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet."

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Girls are like domain names.

The ones I like are already taken.

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman...

The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband's voice right.

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl.

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are, too.

China has largest population, but not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile.

Because their condoms are "Made in China".

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets!

He was arrested for attempted murder.

I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

My dads answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn't a big drinker, he was just shit at crosswords.

I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.

Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.

One turns to the other says: "I think we got off on the wrong foot."

My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs...

I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...

I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs.

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...

Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo.

The money's not great but the tips are huge.

The inventor of autocorrect died today.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

We should've known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran, because its past tents.

A bad workman blames his fools.

*edit: tools. Stupid keyboard.

"I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have", said my friend.

"Oh come on, it's just one move at the start of the game", I responded as I took his Knight.

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.

I'm getting rather good at golf.

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it!

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition...

... and discovered that he had seriously misunderstood the objective

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.

Today I lost my job as a bus driver.

Saw a documentary on Russian roulette

It was mind blowing.

Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof!

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

I'm writing a book called "Stop Overreacting."

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

I was blessed with a 7-inch penis.

The priest was sent to jail after that.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

I'm hosting a charity night for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

If you can't come please let me know.

Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...

And then a turn on again.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.

His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KoFFIN product

My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.

But she kept screaming, "Get the fuck out of here I'm peeing!"

I was watching porn last night when my grandmother walked in...

Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...

Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

Who took the nurse's rectal thermometer?

Some asshole.

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

I met a North African girl the other night, and we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

Having a duck orgy at my house...

If anyone wants to come on down.

I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

I'm afraid to die alone.

So I became a bus driver.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

I put a load in the dishwasher.

She swallowed.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

I said 'no' to drugs...

But I don't think they're listening.

There are three rings in a relationship.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring.

I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex.

Now she'll understand what rejection feels like.

When I see lover's names carved in a tree I don't think it's sweet.

I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.

My wife accused me of being immature...

So I told her to get out of my fort.

A penis has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...

Fortunately they missed.

And the award for the best neckwear goes to...

Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!

I don't always tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can: 2/10

I bought a dog from a blacksmith.

As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

They say never go food shopping when you're hungry..

but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

Dramatic pauses can really change the meaning of a sentence.

Notice the difference between "I like to eat apples" and "I like to eat dramatic pauses."

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier.

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells, "Hands in the air motherfuckers! This is a stick up!"

He's just dyslexic and can still speak fine.

Shot my first turkey today.

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

Then they don't call me at all.

I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick

She's still not talking to me.

My wife is talking about wanting to have children.

I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom.

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...

...has shitty time

You could say my ex-girlfriend was a treasure...

Because you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one...

...he's never gonna give you Up.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn't complain.

My son is sort of like Rapunzel...

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

Thank you student loans for helping me get through college...

I don't think I can ever repay you.

I just flew in from Chernobyl...

And boy are my arms legs.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand...

It's 7.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would have one dollar. Thanks, mom...

People always tell me I'm funny.

And I always have to remind them I'm Dad.

It's my wife's birthday and I bought her slippers and a dildo.

If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

I like my women like I like my coffee...

Without a penis.

My wife and I decided to not have children.

The kids are pretty upset.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

I was in the confessional booth today, and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said "Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop."

I may be 75, but I have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel.

But it takes up too much room in my freezer, any suggestions?

There are two types of people on the planet...

Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context...

Sex with a weatherman must suck.

Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches, only to find out it's not even 4.

I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations...

...but all brooms are pretty much the same.

My girlfriend told me I was fucking stupid.

I told her she was just clever in her own way.

I married a beautiful woman - a smart one, too.

Hopefully they'll never meet.

I am so good at sleeping...

...I can do it with my eyes closed.

Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

They both had a great time.

Somebody stole my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

...is one of Donald Trumps more offensive slogans.

If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico.

Not by choice though.

My girlfriend says a 4-inch penis is just fine.

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

That's a nice ham you've got there...

it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.

You should never iron a four leaf clover.

You don't want to press your luck.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.

The car is new or the wife is.

As a college student, I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them.

I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships.

So, who's the cheater? My wife or my girlfriend?

I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-wife's killer...

...but no one will do it.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was seated next to a crying baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.

My dad told me that the future was in my hands.

I didn't know the future was 4 inches long.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

Some say Steve Jobs died too young.

Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.

As a young boy my mom would always tuck me in at night

She always wanted a girl.

My wife yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation!"

I asked a friend of mine from New Zealand how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting, but he fell asleep.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you...

...I'd start thinking about you.

I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts.

But I don't anymore.

I just got one of those workout watches.

Apparently I've masturbated 5.8 miles today.

Stevie Wonder was once asked if there could be anything worse then being blind.

To which he replied "Well... I could have been black".

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

My wife said that our son feels neglected.

"Who?" I asked.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.

People say I'm not good with Greek Mythology...

I guess that it's my Achilles wrist.

I accidentally sent everyone in my address book a naked picture of myself

It cost a fortune in stamps

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. She's funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop.

How cool is that for someone her age?

Sex is like Broccoli.

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult.

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex.

I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

So I recently came into a large sum of money...

...and then the cashier wouldn't accept it.

There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland

I mean, the flag itself is a big plus.

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me.

Looks like I'll have to drop the bomb twice.

I saw a chameleon today...

Needless to say, it was a shitty chameleon.

I ate a contradiction the other day...

...it constipated the shit out of me.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of my bed and did a sit-up by mistake.

That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.

My girlfriend used to smoke after sex.

So we started using lubricant.

I just ran over my dog.

Just kidding! I don't know whose dog it was.

I like my women like I like my coffee.

I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

I have sex daily.

I mean, dyslexia.

I made out with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said, "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."

I saw a sign the other day the made me pee my pants...

...it said "Bathroom Closed."

Girls pants are like a cheap hotel...

...no ballroom.

I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle...

...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

A tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then to the left.

Repeat this exercise whenever you're offered something to eat!

I gave away all my dead batteries recently...

...free of charge, of course.

My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster.

Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish.

This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club.

I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

Ebay is too hard to use...

...I searched for lighters, and all I got was 71,274 matches.

Some people say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

If your mother in Law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...

...would you go to lunch or a movie?

I'd say 6:30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

I used to have a job crushing cans.

It was soda pressing.

Is it just me...

...or are there other personal pronouns?

I recently tried to change my email password to "Twilight"...

...but got an error message that read, "Password Invalid. Too many useless characters."

I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.

Up.

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won't tell me who's a good boy.

To whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my Word.

I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.

They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I was involved in a violent mugging this morning, and I'm still a bit shaken up.

On the plus side I did make $43, and I think the watch looks really good on me.

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards.

I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym.

I guess we just weren't working out.

I'm opening a new gay club called "Garage Sale."

Because one mans junk is another mans treasure!

Every month I throw a BBQ with the free meat I get from work ...

It's just one perk of working in an abortion clinic.

I love abortions.

They really bring out the kid in you.

My mother used to always say, "Give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

North Korea is participating in the Olympics this year, but they won't win.

All of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in South Korea

Martinis are like tits.

Ones not enough and threes too many.

My first time having sex was a lot like my first football game

It was painful and tiring, but at least my dad came

Men do not jerk off because it is easy,

But because it is hard.

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

I just bought an Isis sex doll today, and it's great!

It blows itself up.

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.

She got really angry when I tossed her some diet pills.

Shout-out to my grandma!

Because that's the only way she can hear me.

I walked down a street, and the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

It was a trip down memory lane.

I've got 22 notches on my bedpost.

It's not easy trying to stab somebody in the dark.

What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?

They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.

You think you are introverted?

Wait until you never meet me.

Today I was asked to go out by 10 girls.

Pretty easy in the women's bathroom.

On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage!

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

I'm not an expert in masturbation.

But I hold my own.

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, "Do you have any felony convictions?"

The Briton replies, "Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

I tortured a guy from PETA.

He screamed for deer life.

I'm seriously contemplating remarrying my Ex-wife.

But I'm pretty sure that she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me

"Stop shaking the fucking ladder!"

So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God...

Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

"Fucking kids are expensive," I said

"Is," my lawyer replied.

My wife complained to me that I don't take an interest in her family.

Now she is upset because I fucked her sister. I can't win.

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

I already got a date this Valentine's day. Her name is Emma,

Emma Gination.

My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

Everyone pees in the pool.

But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.

I got fired form the zoo.

Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.

Me: Mom, am I adopted?

Mom: Why would we choose you?

Chuck Norris actually died 6 years ago.

But the Grim Reaper still hasn't gotten up the courage to tell him.

I once came home to find 4 masked men beating up my younger brother. Obviously I rushed over to help out.

The little shit didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz?

Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea.

But she won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage.

4/20 is my favorite day to skip work, grab a pipe, head down to the park...

and beat the shit out of hippies.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

The urge to sing the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only ever a whim away...

A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY...

My parents treat me like a god.

They don't believe in me.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers

When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

I hate it when people mix up Your and You're.

Their so stupid.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many'...

and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

Climate change is such a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It's his altar ego.

I'm starting a support group for women that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

My doctor recommended to eating Burger King more often.

Well he said I should not have McDonald's anymore, but I know what he meant.

A man entered his home and was absolutely delighted.

Someone had stolen every lamp in his home.

Science builds planes and skyscrapers.

But faith brings them together.

My boss said my math skills are average.

That's just mean.

A man walks into a bar...

And is immediately disqualified from the Limbo World Championships.

I like my men just like I like my women

That's it, I'm bisexual.

Last night I watched a documentary on how they put ships together...

It was riveting!

I like my women like I like my coffee.

From a third world country and at a reasonable price.

My wife has a body of a 12 year old.

She keeps it in the fridge.

I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex.

She told me she's already been having sex with an asshole for years.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

I think it's interesting how people sleep differently.

I usually sleep on my back, my brother sleeps on his stomach, and my ex sleeps with half the town.

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason.

I had a fish that could breakdance on the floor for 20 seconds.

But only one time.

I have super powers, I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Ground up in my freezer.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

English is not the easiest of languages.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

Communism jokes are not funny.

Unless everyone gets them.

Sauron is a great name.

It has a nice ring to it.

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people understand that joke.

!false

It's funny because it's true.

Why is that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he's a player...

But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys it's your mom?

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.

It was delicious.

My secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."

I got my wife pregnant having anal sex.

I'm afraid our baby is going to be a real piece of shit.

My wife didn't believe me when I said I'd made a car from spaghetti.

Should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

My friend is panicking because he is missing a piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle

if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest.

Kinda obvious, considering Mount Everest can't fly.

My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to her.

People compare Trump and Hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches.

Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in?

For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound!

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

I'm 40, and I've got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday.

Wish I'd used it because my kids are fucking annoying.

My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

Orgasms are like opinions.

Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

A vagina is like rain...

When it's wet, it's time to come inside.

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my two sons.

There are two types of people in the world:

Those who complete their sentences.

My psychologist told me, "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

As a kid I had to walk the plank...

We couldn't afford a dog.

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.

Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?

Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

My girlfriend and I were fighting in the car

We glared at each other and I thought neither of us would back down, but in the end we struck an Accord.

Someone had the audacity to delete every version of Microsoft Office from my computer.

I have no Words.

My girlfriend was sad that her dog died so I went out and got her an identical dog

Then she said "what the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

My girlfriend broke the news that she's pregnant

I responded, "Congrats, now you have something to remember me by."

My girlfriend and I spent $40 on a pesto pasta

It was worth every penne.

I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...

That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley

Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.

two bears walk into a bar

no one survived.

I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard

I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."

An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim

I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.

People say cannibals are disgusting human beings

But this one tastes pretty good

I have a really good relationship with the elevator operator.

We speak to each other on so many different levels.

Life of a chef must suck.

All your work eventually turns to shit.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant

We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the local zoo

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.

Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey.

Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy. it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

Trump would be an amazing dentist

He is against anything that's not white and straight.

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for Christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.

He said it was the best trade he's ever made

My girlfriend of 3 years has never told me a joke.

We are in a serious relationship.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

To reverse and leaving the scene.

My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike

My dad was holding me from behind .

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

What's the most effective birth control device for men.

Their manners.

One good thing about getting older is that multi-tasking becomes easier.

You can sneeze, piss and shit yourself all at the same time!

Grammar is important.

Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention!"

Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

...they would start to find me attractive.

My dad always tells me he never makes the same mistake twice...

...I'm an only child.

The light was so bad at a Chinese restaurant I couldn't read the total on the bill.

It was a dim sum.

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books.

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay.

It's because he has run out of women.

I like Peter Pan jokes because they never get old.

Just like those kids in my basement.

I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night.

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

England doesn't have a kidney bank...

But it does have a Liverpool.

Dads are like boomerangs...

I hope.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.

Because where there's a will, there's a weigh.

Every program I write is completely error-free.

No exceptions!

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.

I told him to leave me alone, and then when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It's called Trycoxagain.

My father suffers from short term memory loss.

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

It.

I was surprised to learn my daughter failed the road driving test.

She tweeted three times that it seemed to be going well.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

You take away the ring, and there goes your house.

My wife turned and looked at me screaming, "Did you hear what I just said?!"

Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?

I used to be in to S and M, Necrophilia, and Bestiality.

But then I realized I was beating a dead horse.

I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

I don't like people who take drugs.

Like Airport Security for example.

Last night I found out that my wife has conditional gender dysphoria.

She said she needed to be Frank with me.

Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool...

Wooden tit?

I finally stopped the annoying noise in my car.

I just opened the door and shoved her out.

My wife said "You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot..."

It was a third degree burn.

My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold.

They just left him hanging.

I'm really conflicted about abortion.

On the one hand I support killing babies, but giving women a choice just feels wrong.

I'm going to go on a Brexit diet

The pounds will drop fast.

I don't get why people think urine is stored in the balls when it's clearly stored in the bladder.

There is a vas deferens between the two.

It's hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells seashells on the seashore.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

My mates reckon that I'll find any excuse to have a drink.

Speaking of beer...

I am giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry that came out wrong.

I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

I like my tumors like I like my bingo numbers.

B9!

19 and 20 got in a fight.

21.

UK: We call it "Autumn", from the French word "Automne", and later, from the Latin "autumnus".

US: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAVES FALL DOWN

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what?

She couldn't do either!

I get nostalgic when driving my car in reverse.

It always takes me back.

My paper airplane won't fly.

It's stationery.

An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both of the stolen machines.

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

I was just explaining Google to my Granny.

"Pick anything to search for," I told her.

"What about a nice cream pie?" she asked.

"Except that." I replied.

I saw a woman with 12 breasts

Sounds amazing, dozen tit?

I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day...

Even the cake was in tiers.

I just saw my parents having sex.

Damn you Pornhub.

If you ever feel lonely, just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies.

After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

Have you ever smelled moth balls? Yes?

How'd you get their little legs apart?

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

I want to repaint my room a shade of white.

But I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "The Oscars".

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

Just 30 pounds to go.

My dad used to warn me about anal sex.

He always said, "Son, this might hurt a bit."

I lent my deck of cards to a friend, but he gave me only 51 back.

He was a jack-off.

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

Today I learned the U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

My grandfather destroyed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

How long is a Chinese person.

So is his brother.

My son asked me, "Dad, what is coincidence?"

I said, "Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing."

People say I don't have friends, but they're wrong.

I have all 10 seasons on DVD.