My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"
"No it doesn't", I said.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"
"No it doesn't", I said.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife.
Thank you, Mom!
When I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas she told me, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."
So I bought her nothing.
I wrote a book on penguins...
In hindsight, paper would have been much easier.
One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world...
...then you'll all be sorry!
Batman told me he was skipping church this week.
Classic Christian Bale.
A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day.
He discovered he was a tad Polish.
I went to Chinatown today, but there were too many bright lights.
So I asked them to dim sum.
I don't understand why everyone says the KKK is racist.
Every night at our meetings, there are lots of black people hanging around.
My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up.
So I just packed my bags and right.
My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type ...
He kept saying "Be positive", but it's going to be hard to do without him around.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
One turns to the other and says, "Um, I think we got this joke wrong."
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Friends are like snow.
When you pee on them, they disappear.
After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.
Adios, amigo.
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.
She needs to lighten up.
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.
There is a three year waiting list.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game...
...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks...
Bad Minton.
With the rise of self driving vehicles...
we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.
God damned millennials!
Walking around like they rent the place.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
There's no pleasing my wife sometimes.
She wanted help with the housework so I got my girlfriend to come round and she went mental.
A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.
He sits down and drinks coffee.
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, just remember...
There is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
I have two boys, 5 and 6.
We're no good at naming things in our house.
Communists and Trump supporters really aren't all that different...
They both want a world with no class.
Donald Trump walks into a bar.
And promptly lowers it.
I was at the local pool yesterday and decided to pee in the deep end.
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
Yes sir, it's fresh ground!
if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married...
Just find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.
I've just been fired from the clock making factory...
after all those extra hours I put in.
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
"One man's trash is another man's treasure"...
...is one way to tell your kid that they're adopted.
I am afraid to make a political joke now.
It might get elected president.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad.
You would have such big shoes to fill.
I finally figured out Donald Trump
You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.
If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on...
I'd be like, "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Never make fun of fat girls with lisps.
They're thick and tired of it.
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...
It's still fowl language.
I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.
He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.
People say filling animals with helium is wrong.
But I say, whatever floats your goat.
A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine and asks, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?"
The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan."
The lady walking ahead of me sped up, so I did too. She began running so I ran too. She screamed so I screamed as well.
I never even saw what we were running from.
Two condoms are walking past a gay bar.
One condom turns to the other and says, "Wanna get shitfaced tonight?!"
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
If life gives you melons...
You probably have dyslexia.
Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
I was in a taxi today and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said, "Turn left."
I want to say comforters are superior to quilts.
But I don't like to make blanket statements.
Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working.
I just have to die on Thursday.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dav.
I was asked to write a 1,000 word essay for class.
But I just turned in a picture instead.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Baby, I hope you are an ISO file.
Cuz I wanna mount you.
Just been banned from a Christian dating website.
Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!
When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump, some questioned whether he could actually speak English.
It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.
It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.
So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.
Apparently, "I do" is not the correct answer.
I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China."
It was her made-in name.
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today
The loud beeping was giving me a headache.
I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I recently started the new Brexit diet.
So far I've lost hundreds of millions of pounds.
I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.
So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.
You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.
You'd be way too short and weak.
McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.
Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.
I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet."
It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
Why wasn't Jesus born in America?
God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Girls are like domain names.
The ones I like are already taken.
I'm having regular sex with a blind woman...
The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband's voice right.
I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.
Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.
I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl.
they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are, too.
China has largest population, but not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile.
Because their condoms are "Made in China".
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets!
He was arrested for attempted murder.
I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
My dads answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn't a big drinker, he was just shit at crosswords.
I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.
Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.
Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.
One turns to the other says: "I think we got off on the wrong foot."
My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs...
I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...
I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs.
He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.
If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...
Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.
My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo.
The money's not great but the tips are huge.
The inventor of autocorrect died today.
His funfair will be hello on sundial.
We should've known communism would fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
You can't run through a camp site.
You can only ran, because its past tents.
A bad workman blames his fools.
*edit: tools. Stupid keyboard.
"I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have", said my friend.
"Oh come on, it's just one move at the start of the game", I responded as I took his Knight.
I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.
I'm getting rather good at golf.
If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will.
No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it!
Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition...
... and discovered that he had seriously misunderstood the objective
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.
It means a lot.
A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.
The answer is the chicken.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.
Today I lost my job as a bus driver.
Saw a documentary on Russian roulette
It was mind blowing.
Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof!
He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.
I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."
I'm writing a book called "Stop Overreacting."
If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Alligators can live up to 100 years...
Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
I was blessed with a 7-inch penis.
The priest was sent to jail after that.
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes...
I still do, but I used to, too.
I'm hosting a charity night for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.
If you can't come please let me know.
Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...
And then a turn on again.
IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.
His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KoFFIN product
My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.
But she kept screaming, "Get the fuck out of here I'm peeing!"
I was watching porn last night when my grandmother walked in...
Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.
Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.
It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.
‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...
Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬
Who took the nurse's rectal thermometer?
Some asshole.
I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.
It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.
I met a North African girl the other night, and we spoke for hours.
We just clicked.
Having a duck orgy at my house...
If anyone wants to come on down.
I finally stopped drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil.
I'm afraid to die alone.
So I became a bus driver.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I put a load in the dishwasher.
She swallowed.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
I said 'no' to drugs...
But I don't think they're listening.
There are three rings in a relationship.
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring.
I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex.
Now she'll understand what rejection feels like.
When I see lover's names carved in a tree I don't think it's sweet.
I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.
My wife accused me of being immature...
So I told her to get out of my fort.
A penis has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...
Fortunately they missed.
And the award for the best neckwear goes to...
Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!
I don't always tell dad jokes...
But when I do, he laughs.
Words can't describe how beautiful you are...
But numbers can: 2/10
I bought a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
They say never go food shopping when you're hungry..
but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
Dramatic pauses can really change the meaning of a sentence.
Notice the difference between "I like to eat apples" and "I like to eat dramatic pauses."
My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier.
Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.
A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells, "Hands in the air motherfuckers! This is a stick up!"
He's just dyslexic and can still speak fine.
Shot my first turkey today.
Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...
Then they don't call me at all.
I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick
She's still not talking to me.
My wife is talking about wanting to have children.
I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom.
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...
...has shitty time
You could say my ex-girlfriend was a treasure...
Because you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one...
...he's never gonna give you Up.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
My son is sort of like Rapunzel...
But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.
Thank you student loans for helping me get through college...
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I just flew in from Chernobyl...
And boy are my arms legs.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand...
It's 7.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar. Thanks, mom...
People always tell me I'm funny.
And I always have to remind them I'm Dad.
It's my wife's birthday and I bought her slippers and a dildo.
If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
I like my women like I like my coffee...
Without a penis.
My wife and I decided to not have children.
The kids are pretty upset.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
I was in the confessional booth today, and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating.
He said "Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop."
I may be 75, but I have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel.
But it takes up too much room in my freezer, any suggestions?
There are two types of people on the planet...
Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context...
Sex with a weatherman must suck.
Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches, only to find out it's not even 4.
I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations...
...but all brooms are pretty much the same.
My girlfriend told me I was fucking stupid.
I told her she was just clever in her own way.
I married a beautiful woman - a smart one, too.
Hopefully they'll never meet.
I am so good at sleeping...
...I can do it with my eyes closed.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.
They both had a great time.
Somebody stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that.
Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.
The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...
...is one of Donald Trumps more offensive slogans.
If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico.
Not by choice though.
My girlfriend says a 4-inch penis is just fine.
Still, I wish she didn't have one.
That's a nice ham you've got there...
it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.
You should never iron a four leaf clover.
You don't want to press your luck.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.
The car is new or the wife is.
As a college student, I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them.
I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships.
So, who's the cheater? My wife or my girlfriend?
I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-wife's killer...
...but no one will do it.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was seated next to a crying baby.
Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.
My dad told me that the future was in my hands.
I didn't know the future was 4 inches long.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year
My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.
So I dumped her.
Some say Steve Jobs died too young.
Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.
As a young boy my mom would always tuck me in at night
She always wanted a girl.
My wife yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation!"
I asked a friend of mine from New Zealand how many sexual partners he'd had.
He started counting, but he fell asleep.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you...
...I'd start thinking about you.
I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts.
But I don't anymore.
I just got one of those workout watches.
Apparently I've masturbated 5.8 miles today.
Stevie Wonder was once asked if there could be anything worse then being blind.
To which he replied "Well... I could have been black".
My friend Tommy drowned the other day...
At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...
My wife said that our son feels neglected.
"Who?" I asked.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet...
I don't know why.
People say I'm not good with Greek Mythology...
I guess that it's my Achilles wrist.
I accidentally sent everyone in my address book a naked picture of myself
It cost a fortune in stamps
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but I had to break up with her.
She was seeing somebody on the side.
Who is this Rorschach guy?
And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. She's funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop.
How cool is that for someone her age?
Sex is like Broccoli.
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult.
My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex.
I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
So I recently came into a large sum of money...
...and then the cashier wouldn't accept it.
There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland
I mean, the flag itself is a big plus.
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me.
Looks like I'll have to drop the bomb twice.
I saw a chameleon today...
Needless to say, it was a shitty chameleon.
I ate a contradiction the other day...
...it constipated the shit out of me.
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of my bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
My girlfriend used to smoke after sex.
So we started using lubricant.
I just ran over my dog.
Just kidding! I don't know whose dog it was.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.
I have sex daily.
I mean, dyslexia.
I made out with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said, "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."
I saw a sign the other day the made me pee my pants...
...it said "Bathroom Closed."
Girls pants are like a cheap hotel...
...no ballroom.
I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle...
...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.
A tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
Repeat this exercise whenever you're offered something to eat!
I gave away all my dead batteries recently...
...free of charge, of course.
My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster.
Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club.
I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.
Ebay is too hard to use...
...I searched for lighters, and all I got was 71,274 matches.
Some people say I'm condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
If your mother in Law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
...would you go to lunch or a movie?
I'd say 6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
I used to have a job crushing cans.
It was soda pressing.
Is it just me...
...or are there other personal pronouns?
I recently tried to change my email password to "Twilight"...
...but got an error message that read, "Password Invalid. Too many useless characters."
I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.
There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.
Up.
Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!
What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?
I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.
He still won't tell me who's a good boy.
To whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.
I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.
They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.
I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.
I'm taking steps to avoid them.
I was involved in a violent mugging this morning, and I'm still a bit shaken up.
On the plus side I did make $43, and I think the watch looks really good on me.
I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.
The plot thickens.
For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards.
I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym.
I guess we just weren't working out.
I'm opening a new gay club called "Garage Sale."
Because one mans junk is another mans treasure!
Every month I throw a BBQ with the free meat I get from work ...
It's just one perk of working in an abortion clinic.
I love abortions.
They really bring out the kid in you.
My mother used to always say, "Give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
North Korea is participating in the Olympics this year, but they won't win.
All of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in South Korea
Martinis are like tits.
Ones not enough and threes too many.
My first time having sex was a lot like my first football game
It was painful and tiring, but at least my dad came
Men do not jerk off because it is easy,
But because it is hard.
With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.
Because there is no delivery.
I just bought an Isis sex doll today, and it's great!
It blows itself up.
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.
She got really angry when I tossed her some diet pills.
Shout-out to my grandma!
Because that's the only way she can hear me.
I walked down a street, and the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
It was a trip down memory lane.
I've got 22 notches on my bedpost.
It's not easy trying to stab somebody in the dark.
What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?
They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.
You think you are introverted?
Wait until you never meet me.
Today I was asked to go out by 10 girls.
Pretty easy in the women's bathroom.
On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."
Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage!
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
I'm not an expert in masturbation.
But I hold my own.
I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!
Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.
A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, "Do you have any felony convictions?"
The Briton replies, "Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement."
I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.
Just four sheets and goggles.
I tortured a guy from PETA.
He screamed for deer life.
I'm seriously contemplating remarrying my Ex-wife.
But I'm pretty sure that she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me
"Stop shaking the fucking ladder!"
So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God...
Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said
"Is," my lawyer replied.
My wife complained to me that I don't take an interest in her family.
Now she is upset because I fucked her sister. I can't win.
I just found out I'm colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Somebody said today that I'm lazy.
I nearly answered him.
I already got a date this Valentine's day. Her name is Emma,
Emma Gination.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.
I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
What is it with people who text and drive?
I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.
Everyone pees in the pool.
But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.
I got fired form the zoo.
Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.
Me: Mom, am I adopted?
Mom: Why would we choose you?
Chuck Norris actually died 6 years ago.
But the Grim Reaper still hasn't gotten up the courage to tell him.
I once came home to find 4 masked men beating up my younger brother. Obviously I rushed over to help out.
The little shit didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz?
Plenty of seats on the train ride home.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea.
But she won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage.
4/20 is my favorite day to skip work, grab a pipe, head down to the park...
and beat the shit out of hippies.
I invented a new word today.
Plagiarism.
The urge to sing the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only ever a whim away...
A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY...
My parents treat me like a god.
They don't believe in me.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers
When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes
I hate it when people mix up Your and You're.
Their so stupid.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many'...
and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
Climate change is such a joke.
Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.
To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present
They're due back at the library today.
I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
I'm starting a support group for women that can't reach orgasm.
If you can't come let me know.
My doctor recommended to eating Burger King more often.
Well he said I should not have McDonald's anymore, but I know what he meant.
A man entered his home and was absolutely delighted.
Someone had stolen every lamp in his home.
Science builds planes and skyscrapers.
But faith brings them together.
My boss said my math skills are average.
That's just mean.
A man walks into a bar...
And is immediately disqualified from the Limbo World Championships.
I like my men just like I like my women
That's it, I'm bisexual.
Last night I watched a documentary on how they put ships together...
It was riveting!
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
My wife has a body of a 12 year old.
She keeps it in the fridge.
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex.
She told me she's already been having sex with an asshole for years.
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.
But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
I think it's interesting how people sleep differently.
I usually sleep on my back, my brother sleeps on his stomach, and my ex sleeps with half the town.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side.
So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason.
I had a fish that could breakdance on the floor for 20 seconds.
But only one time.
I have super powers, I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.
Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Ground up in my freezer.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
English is not the easiest of languages.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
Communism jokes are not funny.
Unless everyone gets them.
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Only a fraction of people understand that joke.
!false
It's funny because it's true.
Why is that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he's a player...
But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys it's your mom?
Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.
It was delicious.
My secretary reminds me of my wife.
I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."
I got my wife pregnant having anal sex.
I'm afraid our baby is going to be a real piece of shit.
My wife didn't believe me when I said I'd made a car from spaghetti.
Should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
My friend is panicking because he is missing a piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle
if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces
TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest.
Kinda obvious, considering Mount Everest can't fly.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
People compare Trump and Hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.
Hitler was good at making speeches.
Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in?
For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound!
When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
I'm 40, and I've got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday.
Wish I'd used it because my kids are fucking annoying.
My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.
It's called 'Journal.'
Orgasms are like opinions.
Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.
"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."
"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"
A vagina is like rain...
When it's wet, it's time to come inside.
It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.
You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my two sons.
There are two types of people in the world:
Those who complete their sentences.
My psychologist told me, "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."
I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
As a kid I had to walk the plank...
We couldn't afford a dog.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester.
Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?
Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.
I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.
It's nice to have some company.
My girlfriend and I were fighting in the car
We glared at each other and I thought neither of us would back down, but in the end we struck an Accord.
Someone had the audacity to delete every version of Microsoft Office from my computer.
I have no Words.
My girlfriend was sad that her dog died so I went out and got her an identical dog
Then she said "what the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
My girlfriend broke the news that she's pregnant
I responded, "Congrats, now you have something to remember me by."
My girlfriend and I spent $40 on a pesto pasta
It was worth every penne.
I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...
That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley
Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.
two bears walk into a bar
no one survived.
I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard
I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."
An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim
I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.
People say cannibals are disgusting human beings
But this one tastes pretty good
I have a really good relationship with the elevator operator.
We speak to each other on so many different levels.
Life of a chef must suck.
All your work eventually turns to shit.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant
We've had a horrible winter this year.
It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the local zoo
My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil
I still don't know how much she charged him though.
Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey.
Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".
I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.
it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy. it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."
Trump would be an amazing dentist
He is against anything that's not white and straight.
I always thought Americans should say "B".
Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".
my great grandmother got me a ps4 for Christmas
my so-so grandmother got me socks
This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.
He said it was the best trade he's ever made
My girlfriend of 3 years has never told me a joke.
We are in a serious relationship.
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...
To reverse and leaving the scene.
My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike
My dad was holding me from behind .
For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted
My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"
Anybody know what "ternative" means?
What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.
One good thing about getting older is that multi-tasking becomes easier.
You can sneeze, piss and shit yourself all at the same time!
Grammar is important.
Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention!"
Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...
...they would start to find me attractive.
My dad always tells me he never makes the same mistake twice...
...I'm an only child.
The light was so bad at a Chinese restaurant I couldn't read the total on the bill.
It was a dim sum.
I once thought I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay.
It's because he has run out of women.
I like Peter Pan jokes because they never get old.
Just like those kids in my basement.
I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night.
I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.
England doesn't have a kidney bank...
But it does have a Liverpool.
Dads are like boomerangs...
I hope.
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there's a will, there's a weigh.
Every program I write is completely error-free.
No exceptions!
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.
I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.
I told him to leave me alone, and then when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.
It's called Trycoxagain.
My father suffers from short term memory loss.
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.
I've said it before, I'll say it again.
It.
I was surprised to learn my daughter failed the road driving test.
She tweeted three times that it seemed to be going well.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
You take away the ring, and there goes your house.
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, "Did you hear what I just said?!"
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
I used to be in to S and M, Necrophilia, and Bestiality.
But then I realized I was beating a dead horse.
I lost my job at the suicide hotline.
Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.
I don't like people who take drugs.
Like Airport Security for example.
Last night I found out that my wife has conditional gender dysphoria.
She said she needed to be Frank with me.
Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool...
Wooden tit?
I finally stopped the annoying noise in my car.
I just opened the door and shoved her out.
My wife said "You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot..."
It was a third degree burn.
My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold.
They just left him hanging.
I'm really conflicted about abortion.
On the one hand I support killing babies, but giving women a choice just feels wrong.
I'm going to go on a Brexit diet
The pounds will drop fast.
I don't get why people think urine is stored in the balls when it's clearly stored in the bladder.
There is a vas deferens between the two.
It's hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
My mates reckon that I'll find any excuse to have a drink.
Speaking of beer...
I am giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
I like my tumors like I like my bingo numbers.
B9!
19 and 20 got in a fight.
21.
UK: We call it "Autumn", from the French word "Automne", and later, from the Latin "autumnus".
US: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAVES FALL DOWN
My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.
So I told her to sit down and shut up.
Guess what?
She couldn't do either!
I get nostalgic when driving my car in reverse.
It always takes me back.
My paper airplane won't fly.
It's stationery.
An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.
Police are confident they can recover both of the stolen machines.
I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.
She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
I was just explaining Google to my Granny.
"Pick anything to search for," I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" she asked.
"Except that." I replied.
I saw a woman with 12 breasts
Sounds amazing, dozen tit?
I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.
I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day...
Even the cake was in tiers.
I just saw my parents having sex.
Damn you Pornhub.
If you ever feel lonely, just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies.
After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
Have you ever smelled moth balls? Yes?
How'd you get their little legs apart?
Smoking is a scientific wonder!
It kills people, but cures salmon.
I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.
Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
I want to repaint my room a shade of white.
But I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "The Oscars".
I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.
Just 30 pounds to go.
My dad used to warn me about anal sex.
He always said, "Son, this might hurt a bit."
I lent my deck of cards to a friend, but he gave me only 51 back.
He was a jack-off.
I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.
The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.
Today I learned the U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.
At least we're in the top 10.
My grandfather destroyed 30 german planes during World War 2
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
How long is a Chinese person.
So is his brother.
My son asked me, "Dad, what is coincidence?"
I said, "Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing."
People say I don't have friends, but they're wrong.
I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
If I had $1 for every time I read a racist comment on the internet
I'd still be broke. Because I am black and I can't read.
I like my women like I like my coffee
I've never had coffee but it smells really nice..
I've just been told I have xenophobia.
I bet I caught it off some damn foreigner.
My father always taught me that in adultery there are no winners.
He also taught me participation is more important than winning
If you're want to dress slutty for Halloween, go as a professor.
They barely cover anything important.
I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings.
You could say I have a complex complex complex.
I'm sure wherever my dad is he's looking down on us.
He's not dead, just very condescending.
Don't play with a girl's heart - she only has one.
Play with her tits, she has two of those.
Now that marijuana is being legalized, the surgeon has warned not to run while smoking it.
After all, it's hard on your joints.
My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.
But she freaked out when I brought her one.
I have a girlfriend...
I'm not sure if this is really a joke, but everyone laughs when I say it.
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times.
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to try Anal
Her: "Fuck that shit"
Me: "That's the spirit"
Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today.
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted.
Only 1300's kids will get this.
The Black Plague
My wife gets kind of bitchy once a month.
It usually lasts about 30 days.
I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within 4 inches.
Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
My wife's cooking is incredible.
With a silent 'cr'.
Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!
This month, lunch is on me.
At will call for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me.
It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts.
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you'd think.
I just ran into my barber on the street. He asked me how I liked the haircut he gave me last week.
I told him it's growing on me.
My girlfriend just accused me of being a cross-dresser.
I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left.
If only Steve Irwin wore sun screen.
He could have been protected from harmful rays.
I shit my pants the other day.
Which is funny, because I don't remember eating them.
I once dated a girl that collected magazines.
But she had too many issues.
There's a hole in the nudist camp's wall
The police are looking into it.
When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands.
Because she's deaf.
I bought some dog scented cologne the other day.
Now I get all the bitches.
My boss told me to "dress for the job you want, not the job you have."
Now I'm in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
The English football team visited an orphanage in Brazil.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose age 6.
Some nights I just lie down and stare up at the stars and I wonder...
What happened to my roof?
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late."
They said, "You're hired"
Drugs are not a solution!
Until you mix them with water
Ramadan really puts the slim in Muslim.
There are two important rules in business.
Number 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
I don't understand all the fuss about using 3D printers to make guns.
I've had a Canon printer for years!
Monica Lewinsky was recently offered a new position at a prestigious boarding school.
Headmaster.
If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?
To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookiee Cookies".
They were a little on the Chewy side.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station
Detectives have nothing to go on.
Very few people can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays.
Then again, very few people cut their own hair.
I'd tell you a good time travel joke
But you didn't get it.
I used to earn a living doing backing vocals.
I can still remember the words, "This vehicle is reversing."
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He cried. Then he hugged my sister and me.
I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.
Simply turn off the WiFi router and wait where it's located.
Baby monitors are magical.
When I turn it off my baby stops crying.
I don't believe in spanking my children.
I find that waving a gun around works just as well.
If trees produced WIDI we plant them everywhere.
Too bad they only produce oxygen.
There's this hot girl in my college writing class.
Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.
Some people say I am crazy.
Luckily, only I can hear them.
There are two things that always make me jump.
My legs.
I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.
She got fired too.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."
If I had a penny for every time someone didn't understand me
I'd make more cents.
My physics teacher told me I had potential.
Then he threw me off the roof.
My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.
I guess I'll deal with him later.
Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson".
I bought an answering machine today but I think it's broken.
I've asked it loads of questions but nothing's happening.
Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.
You only get blown if you're hot.
Someone called me racist for saying "black paint."
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
I've decided to take the day off today.
Now I just call it 'To'.
At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...
It's about fucking thyme
Just like his father, Kim Jong-Un takes a binocular wherever he goes.
For proper gander purposes.
My neighbor came knocking on my door at 2:30 am. Unbelievable!
Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.
My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.
"Recoil", I calmly answered.
My girlfriend's cellphone service sucks!
Eight days ago when she said, "We're breaking up," the call ended, and it's gone straight to voicemail ever since.
At last, a herb related joke.
It's about thyme.
Studies find that a glass of wine a day for a woman increases the chances of a stroke.
If you let her have more she might suck it too.
I was going to write a joke about feminism...
But my husband wouldn't let me.
"Mom, am I ugly?"
"I told you not to call me mom in front of people."
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food.
I have any idea where sandwiches live.
A man is washing his car with his son.
After a while the boy says to his Father "Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?"
I'm glad the cave rescue is complete.
Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I leave cookies in the oven while I nap.
Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?
I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas.
My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our friend Ty is now the state boxing champion.
The Chinese don't want to recognize Ty won.
I'm reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks
I mean, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?
I was watching women's volleyball during the Olympics and there was a wrist injury.
But don't worry, I should be fine.
The origami boxing match was on the other night.
Shame, though, as it was only on paper-view.
Two muffins are in an oven. One says "It's getting hot in here".
The other one starts to reply but then it's internal organs burst from the heat.
The Titanic sank 103 years ago.
Making it the only thing your mom didn't go down on!
I asked a group of women if they found rape jokes funny. They all said "no!"
But deep down I knew they really meant "yes."
My friend met his wife on tinder...
... six months after their wedding
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers...
So, I did. She's 21.
Now that I think about it, I probably didn't need glasses for my butt.
I guess hindsight is 20/20.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Ebay.
It was secondhand.
Most serial killers are men.
That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.
If two pharaohs farted at the same time.
They would have a toot in common.
Purple is my favorite color!
I like it more than blue and red combined.
I recently sold my vacuum.
It was just collecting dust.
I used to own a nocturnal horse.
She was a nightmare.
I dreamt I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
I hate it when people make fun of the disabled.
They can't even stand up for themselves.
When people ask why I have a "Trump 2016" sticker on my car I say it's for safety.
When I'm pulled over, it's the quickest way to tell the cop I'm white.
If you're at the Apple Store when it gets robbed...
You're an iWitness.
Being the first to move in chess...
Is white privilege.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later.
"Sir, we have good news and bad news."
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn
Doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
He said, "It's worth spending money on good speakers."
My friend told me he hasn't pooped in over a month, but I'm not sure I believe him.
Either way he's full of shit.
I have a job as a gym instructor.
But it isn't working out.
Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts.
I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards.
When I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.
It was my signature move.
My Doctor gave me something to treat my hemorrhoids.
But I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.
My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post-man now.
Imagine if they had toilets in elevators
I mean, that would be some next level shit.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated.
Now I'm facing sexual harassment charges.
There are 27 bones in the human hand.
28 when I'm lonely.
"Torture me" said the masochist.
"No," the sadist smiled.
My doctor told me that I needed to watch my drinking.
So I drink in front of a mirror now.
Two years ago I asked my dream girl on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no on both occasions.
The invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids were nothing to look at.
I've just had a ploughman's lunch.
He wasn't very happy about it.
Two cows are standing in a field. One says, "Moooooooooooo."
The other cow says, "Damn, I was gonna say that!"
My computer just beat me at chess.
Beat its ass at kickboxing, though.
My house cleaner is getting really annoying.
She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
It was a good orgy, all in all.
I just love the smell of Grandmas cooking.
So I set fire to a nursing home.
The label on my biscuits said, "Store in a cool place"
So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house.
I found out recently that my wife had an affair with a dwarf.
I can't believe she would stoop so low.
As a masochist I enjoy getting up at 3AM and having a cold shower.
So I don't.
I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces.
Why knot?
Had a massage today, but I didn't like it.
They rubbed me the wrong way.
I call my wife treasure.
Cause she looks like she's just been dug up.
I'll never forget my granddad's last words..
He said, "That bus is going quite fast."
My Grandma died on her 100th birthday.
It was a real shame as we were only half way though giving her the bumps.
I always wanted to be a doctor.
But I never had the patience.
I met my wife on the net.
We were terrible trapeze artists.
My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war.
He never talked about it though.
A girl I fancy just phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home.
I fought a guy on some moving stairs today.
We started arguing at the bottom and things just escalated from there!
My doctor said my constant diarrhea was a problem caused by genetics.
It runs in my genes.
Donald Trump has done so much good for American education.
Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."
It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler.
Hitler was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.
President Trump! What about the aliens from space?
We need a ROOF!
My crazy ex-wife divorced me because I was bad at directions.
She said I didn't notice when we both went south.
A programmer had a problem, so he decided to use Java.
He now has a ProblemFactory.
Girls are a lot like butter.
It's easy to get them to spread with a knife.
I started a diet two weeks ago.
So far I've lost 14 days.
Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous.
I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I'm really disappointed.
Mathematics is 90% common sense.
The other half is intelligence.
If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.
After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away
I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife.
I'll put a patio over them later.
I haven't slept for three days.
Because that would be too long.
My halloween costume this year is a period.
I'll show up late and scare the shit out of everyone
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I gave up alcohol last year.
It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.
It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
I got married to an antenna.
The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!
If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her, and she'll tell you you're just friends.
Playing doctors and nurses with the wife last night didn't go well.
Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese!
My local theatre is showing a play called 'The Dictionary.'
It's a play on words.
I arranged a pessimists meeting today, but it wasn't a great turn out.
The room was half empty.
My hands got into an argument last night.
One was right and the other left.
I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.
I've heard it's nice.
My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.
That just seems a little far-fetched to me.
I love the way the Earth rotates...
It makes my day.
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
There are three blondes on an island.
A genie says they can only have one wish to get themselves off.
The first says, "I wish I was smart." So she turns into a red head and swims off the island.
The second says, "I wish I was smarter than her." So she turns into a brunette and swims away.
The third one says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them." so she turns into a man and walks on the bridge.
A doctor walks into his office and informs the patient, "Good news: you passed your hearing test!"
The patient responds, "HUH?"
A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsss.
Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.
But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the warning officer," and "Hi dad."
My grandfather was a baker in the army.
He went in all buns glazing.
A lion would never cheat on his wife...
But a Tiger Wood(s).
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She throws the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.
A thief broke into my house last night.
He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Statistics say there's a gay guy in every group of friends.
In my group, I'd have to guess it's Tim - he's got a great ass.
TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college professor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.
The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.
I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.
He was dead Sirius.
If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what should you bring?
Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
Cocaine is never a solution.
Unless it's dissolved in water.
When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.
I didn't really. He was just putting words in my mouth.
I got fired from my job at the pasta factory.
After a fusilli mistakes.
If you ever meet a girl named stone...
Don't take her for granite.
I don't know how I feel about masturbation anymore.
On one hand, it's pretty good. On the other hand, it's a little awkward.
Y'know, the KKK actually do have some good points...
On their hats.
I lost my virginity.
Can I have yours?
A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic and is destroying his family.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
In your mom's bedroom in the morning.
My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C
Don't worry though, he's 0K.
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
You can tell a lot about a person...
Just by not keeping their secrets.
A new type of broom has just been released.
And it is sweeping the nation.
Why was the 3 year old Ethiopian kid crying?
He was having a mid life crisis.
My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.
I said, "Well, dam..."
I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because...
According to Bill, she doesn't suck.
If women can do anything men can do...
How come they haven't oppressed an entire gender?
Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash.
It was the left wing.
Show me a man who calls himself a vegan...
...and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.
Hindus and vegans must be great friends.
They never have beef.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat.
Then I remember they just feed off attention.
I have a vegan girlfriend and she's nice and all.
But sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of beet.
Vegans who drink water disgust me.
That's a fish's house you filthy Savage.
My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.
I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?
I like my puns like I like my sausages.
The wurst are the best.
I overheard Oedipus swearing like a sailor.
So I asked him, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.
I gotta hand it to Stephen Hawking
because he can't catch.
My employer has recently started testing their products on animals.
I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.
I have no problem getting women into the sack.
It's getting the sack into the back of my van that's the problem.
Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree.
He's wanted dead and alive.
I was once a man stuck in a woman's body.
Then my mother gave birth.
I can't understand my parents.
I am 35 years old and they're still living with me.
I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.
So, I have a black girlfriend now.
Burnt the shit out of my hand on the stove.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone.
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
My dyslexic friend likes that my name is Nate.
He thinks it's neat.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
I responded, "Lazy."
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
My sex life is like a Ferrari!
I don't have a Ferrari.
Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.
There were a lot of casual tees.
Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night.
I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.
The worst thing about being in my 40's is that I can't get teenaged girls to sleep with me.
It's like being a teenager again.
If your ex-wife and ex-mother in Law were drowning and you could only save one...
What kind of sandwich would you make?
My grandfather had a stroke this week.
He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
They say 99% of the population is stupid...
I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!
They used to be called "Jumpolines"...
...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.
I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl.
Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?
I believe all people are equal...
...whether they're black, Chinese or normal.
My Dr. just diagnosed me as 'paranoid'!
Well, she didn't say that, but I know the bitch was thinking it!
I'm throwing a party for people who can't have orgasms.
Let me know if you can come or not.
My dad was always drunk when I was a kid.
The punchline? It was my mom, then my sister, then me.
I recently saw a video of a girl sitting on various fruits.
To me, that's fucking bananas.
Years ago Chuck Norris set up a simple little home network and gave it a name.
It's called the internet.
I went on a job interview for a security guard.
After spending 12 hours in the waiting room they hired me.
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same.
Once you heard Juan you've heard Jamal.
To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice.
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.
Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80HD.
Sadly it can't focus.
Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first
Me or the police.
I was addicted to hokey pokey.
But I turned myself around.
I heard that Research In Motion, the company that makes BlackBerry phones, is hiring.
So I ran a Google search on RIM Jobs. And you know what? I don't think I'm cut out for this line of work after all.
So I met a vegan.
I'd finish the joke, but she's still talking.
What must a vampire ask before he has sex?
Is it alright if I cum inside?
After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance.
I broke Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.
"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"
It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
Losing game pieces sucks.
Especially when it's hide and seek... I'll never forget you, Brian..
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I went to an art contest recently...
It ended in a draw.
I don't care if you don't like space puns. I like space puns.
Comet me bro.
To be Frank...
I'd have to change my name
White people talk like 'HEY' and black people talk 'YO.'
Hundreds of thousands died in the civil war.
And God said to man, "I will put obedient women on all corners of the world."
Then he laughed as he made the world a ball.
Chuck Norris once walked down a street with his fists in his pockets.
He was then arrested for concealing two deadly weapons.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, take the stereo.
I used to work in a bakery, but I didn't really enjoy it, and the pay wasn't great.
I just kneaded the dough.
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.
She calls me her sixty second lover.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At night.
A man walks into a bar.
He backs up, unwraps it, and enjoys its chocolatey deliciousness.
Guys, police jokes aren't funny.
So give it arrest.
If you have a grief nobody feels,
If you have a pain nobody feels.
If your heart is broken nobody feels,
but if you fart all will understand.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can't remember why.
My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another.
So far we've been up for three weeks.
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together!"
There are two essential rules to management.
First, the customer is always right. Second, they must be punished for their arrogance.
I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."
A husband was looking for a way to get his wife to drive more carefully and he found it:
"Darling, if you have an accident, the police will record your real age!"
I love pressing F5.
It's refreshing.
I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment."
I said, "I don't get it."
He said, "That's right."
I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day.
It said "Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in."
So I left it with a porn mag and a line of coke ...
My girlfriend told me that will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!
I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.
And she said, "No, but I have done 53 that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
I am a dog
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up
And give you a shower.
I like my women how I like my laptop.
Sat on my lap, turned on and completely virus free.
My girlfriend always wanted to know the future job of her baby; so the other day when we were making sex suddenly she farted.
I told her: "Your baby will be a bugler."
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.
But In the end, it doesn't even matter.
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store.
I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...
My wife and I really love bondage.
She loves it because she's a kinky bitch.
I love it because I get to gag her for a couple of hours.
My wife is so negative.
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".
Some days I just stand at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
I don't know whats happening in this country.
You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children.
It's a nightmare... you just don't know whether to carry sweets or money!
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week.
I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket.
But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".
If I had only one day left to live, I would spend it in math class.
It would seem so much longer.
My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.
It may come across as judgmental, but really, I've only ever known and loved her as Christine.
I saw a black guy running with a new blu-ray player, and it looked just like mine.
So I called my wife, but it turned out ours was still at home picking cotton.
I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"
My simple answer is:
It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.
I have got a new dog.
We have trained together for two months and imagine, after these two months I was able to reach him my paw and managed even barking around on command.
My dog can be proud of myself.
"My wife drives like thunder."
"So fast?"
"No, every minute she strikes a tree."
"I just had sex in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th birthday, my boyfriend will die."
"Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."
I bought a Jewish sports car.
Not only will it stop on a dime, it will pick it up too.
I've heard they're gas guzzlers though.
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day.
She showed it to me, and it was BDSM.
She asked me "What we should do?"
Me: "Probably not spank him."
She belted me with the magazine.
Now I know where he gets it from.
I just saw a Mexican guy walking down the street with a tv and I thought " wow, that looks just like mine."
But I knew mine was at home shining my shoes.
I don't like the term "anal bleaching".
I prefer "changing your ringtone."
I like to take out my mom for Halloween.
I know it might seem weird, but when else can you walk around town with a corpse?
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all I like your ass.
My girlfriend has incredible sexual skills.
I almost had a heart attack when I saw the video!
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
Steve Martin
My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!
So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...
I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.
He sure was a popular guy.
Everywhere he went, people shouted "Hi Hitler" and gave him a little wave.
I don't understand why everyone hates black people so much.
Black people are great!
Everyone should own one!
I don't understand why people say sex is good in the shower.
How do you guys not get your laptop wet?
"My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs Bunny. But I m positive he isn't."
"How do you know he isn't?"
"Because I am."
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard.
I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That'll blow his little mind.
Snow.
One of the rare times the phrase "8 - 12 inches" is associated with something white.
There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one.
Two bats comment: "What's happened to this one?"
"I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted."
There are only two kinds of computer.
The latest model, and the obsolete.
I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ...
20 years old and mixed up with coke !
I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears.
What am I?
Ugly!
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day.
Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.
Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
There are two theories about how to argue with women.
Neither one works.
My wife asked if I would give it to her "doggy style."
So I took a dump on the floor and chewed up her shoes.
I like black people . . .
. . I used to have some black friends 'till my dad sold them!
My girlfriend likes to pretend to be a 14 year old when we have sex.
I don't get it she will be 14 in a few years anyway.
Prostitute 1: Tonight's my night I can smell cock in the air.
Prostitute 2: Oh, sorry. I burped.
My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house.
So I did - the middle one.
I have two accounts on Facebook it means I have two faces.
It's really good because one is cuter to attract people.
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
I'm proud to say I made my money the old-fashioned way.
My dad left it to me in his will.
My wife hates the sight of me when I'm drunk.
But I hate the sight of her when I'm sober.
'If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.' Mark Twain
I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard.
I'm talking day-in and day-out just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it's all over, he showers and goes to his job.
I can tell when my wife drinks.
Her face gets blurred.
I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say "you'll be next!"
They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !
There are two cows in a field.
One says to the other:
"So what do you think of mad cow disease?"
The other replies: "I don't know, I'm a chicken!"
I tried some of that aphrodisiac rhino horn.
Now I've got an overwhelming desire to charge at Land Rovers.
My wife and I have our little fights.
We had a fight last week.
Nothing much, only two police cars.
I watched my first Porn the other day
I looked so much younger back then!
Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man
He's always looking over his shoulder.
Most black 15-year-olds are decent law-abiding citizens.
It's their kids that cause all the trouble.
An angry feminist told me that men are pigs!
So I told her that women are equal to men.
I am starting a support group for guys dealing with Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
Our motto is: "Hang in there, we can beat it."
I just spotted a Chihuahua!
That wasn't very nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!
I bought a dog the other day...
I named him Stay.
It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay!
Come here, Stay!"
He went insane.
Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
He's an East German Shepherd.
I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?
That's right, Sir.
So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?
That was my dentist.
"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth."
"Hundred dollars!
Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!"
"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."
If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?
The mountain lion.
You can always shoot the bull!
I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently.
A sales man came out and said: 'Come on in.
They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!'
Later I learned he was talking about the payments.
I don't think my Mom knows much about children.
Why do you say that?
Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake, and gets me up when I'm sleepy!
I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice.
You don't want justice - you want mercy!
My computer isn't that nervous.
It's just a bit ANSI.
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats.
This is known as many paws.
I love u.
It's my favourite vowel.
I beat a black belt at karate.
My next challenger is a green sock.
I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer.
Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice.
Life is like a box of chocolates.
It doesn't last too long for fat people.
A Kraft cheese factory recently burned down.
No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.
My dad always said, "I before E except after C".
Society taught me otherwise.
If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal...
Then she's a keeper.
Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?
I'm not so sure about this NFL draft thing.
I've been known to give sage advice from time-to-time.
Though I do get funny looks for talking to herbs.
I thought about buying a pocket calculator.
And then I thought who cares how many pockets I have.
99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs.
Take one down, patch it around... 127 little bugs in the code.
Apparently my friends think I'm paranoid.
I knew it.
"You the bomb!"
"No you the bomb!"
A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.
I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I've got eight fridges.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
I mean, have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
I treat women like I do numbers.
If they're under 16, do them in your head.
Three politicians go to heaven.
No, seriously, it could happen.
I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book.
The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.
I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.
Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.
They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Unless he's a vegan. Then you can get there through his vagina.
Boolean Algebra.
You either know it or you don't.
Yes, it is.
Is time travel possible?
Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space.
It's about time, too.
I hear cancer is hard to beat
No one got past stage 4.
Did you hear about the new viagra eye drops?
They just make you look hard.
My friend died doing what he loved most.
Heroin.
Sometimes I stare at a Frisbee and wonder why it is getting bigger.
Then it hits me.
They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"
They are right - that field isn't hiring!
I was just in Oklahoma.
It was OK.
Just finished a puzzle in only two weeks!
I'm pretty proud of myself, because the box said 3-5 years.
I'll admit that the Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart.
But doing it with their eyes closed... that's a bit cocky.
I like my women like I like my wine.
Twelve years old and in the cellar.
One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself:
"What the hell happened to the roof?"
I don't get why wife hates me for being a lazy bum.
It's not like I did anything.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago
I now live in constant fear.
Do you know what the fastest growing city in Ireland is?
Dublin. It keeps Dublin and Dublin.
I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the papers jammin' again
Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen.
The polices are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
My parents raised me as an only child.
It really upset my sister.
I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July.
Surely 239 years of being officially separated from America is something to be happy about.
"Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!"
"Shut up and get away from the dart board!"
I suck at sports events.
It's a good way to make a quick buck.
Religion is like a man's penis.
It's okay to have one, it's fine to be proud of it, but don't go around shoving it in people's faces and jamming it down children's throats.
I must have a great ass.
Because after leaving a conversation, I always hear someone mumble "what an ass."
I have decided to write all my jokes in capitols from now on.
This one was written in London.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis...
But only enough blood to run one at a time.
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."
Is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few year ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.
I'll never forget my girlfriends last words.
"You're that guy who's been following me."
I named my penis software update.
Because every time it pops up my wife says not right now.
Women are like a box of chocolates.
You never know which ones are gonna have nuts.
I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self.
That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone flips their shit.
I used to like banking...
But then I lost interest.
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up...
They would be alloys.
If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.
I'd hate to toot my own horn.
I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn".
Stupid firemen.
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession
She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer".
I said "But baby, I can change".
She said "There you go again!"
Don't walk through a field of psychedelic mushrooms
It's quite a tripping hazard.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force.
The light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris.
If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns
Go for the juggler.
Why was the beaver mad?
Because no one came to his dam party.
Three feminists walk into a bar.
They look at one another and say, "Hooray! We've taken over a male-dominated joke format!"
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!
I know I can always count on them.
Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.
Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
Life Pro Tip: If your dentist has no painkillers, ask him for Helium.
It will be hilarious when you scream.
My son was on eBay this morning
No bids yet.
Confucius say:
It is good to meet girl in park but BETTER to park meat in girl.
I took a class at Trump University.
The textbook had four Chapter 11s.
The Bible says, "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you."
But I think that's sexual harassment.
My sister's zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died...
She got squashed by a giant crab.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.
Told my co-workers this joke about mandatory meetings.
You really had to be there.
I should clean mirrors for a living.
It's a profession I can see myself in.
I put my root beer in a square glass.
Now it's just beer.
A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office.
The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "Hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."
My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.
The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.
My wife has everything I could ever want in a woman:
Low standards.
I love whiteboards
They're remarkable.
My friends tell me I'm condescending
Condescending is when you talk down to people
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free.
My friend has a habit of dropping things.
It's getting out of hand.
Girls are like blackjack...
I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.
When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.
Impressive.
My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..
They're two things I'll never see coming.
I just crashed my car in a lane between two houses - one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Ball, and one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Thank god I was dragged out by the Smiths.
I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth.
I never realized just how much blood I was eating.
My wife told me to treat her like a princess.
So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel.
They say that trains are full of weird people...
...but I don't think that's true. I've never met a weird person on a train, and I talk to everyone.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...
... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar.
One says to the other, "Wanna get shit-faced?"
I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open.
I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing "Danger Zone" 7 times in a row.
He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them they die.
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers...
Two time travellers walk into a bar.
Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons.
It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.
My ex-girlfriend used to tell me I only think with my penis.
A small part of me thinks she might have been right...
When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...
I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.
Friends are like trees...
They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
My friend was raped by a troupe of mime artists...
They did unspeakable things to her.
I once lost my thesaurus...
And I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82...
...I'm easily lead.
A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.
I guess it's a running joke.
It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving for weeks afterward.
Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.
"Mummy, Mummy! what's for dinner?"
"Shut up and get back in the oven."
I should put my GPA up for adoption.
There's no way I can raise it by myself.
I like my women how I like my bicycles.
Chained up in the garage.
Smile.
It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
People don't approve when I run up to them in the street and try to make plaster casts of their faces.
At least that's the impression that I get.
Vagina jokes are not funny.
Period.
I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area.
Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
I'm not saying your new girlfriend is a whore but...
The Bermuda Triangle has swallowed fewer seamen.
I was expelled from school for masturbating in the showers.
The teachers said I ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
I don't trust stairs...
They look like they're up to something.
I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.
It was breath taking.
Give a man a jacket, and he'll be warm for the winter.
Teach a man to jacket, and he won't leave the house.
My friend recently told me he was allergic to blood...
I told him he was full of it.
I like my women like I like my microwave
Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.
When I die I'd like my remains to be scattered at Disney Land...
Also, I don't want to be cremated.
So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
My thesaurus is awful.
Not only that, it's also awful.
My wife and I walked past a fancy restaurant, and she said "Ohh, something smells nice."
So I decided to treat her - I let her walk past it a second time.
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness...
Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister.
It's Trudeau.
My friend told me I don't know what irony is...
Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.
I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me...
Outlook not so good.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My Ex made the worst coffee.
I thought it was grounds for divorce.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
A girl told me she had a dream that I made love to her...
I mean, technically, she didn't say "dream," she said "nightmare," but close enough.
If the letters fall off your company's logo...
...maybe it's a bad sign.
New study reveals that women actually make better archaeologists.
They're always digging up old shit.
I like my women how I like my old bike...
... chained up in the shed.
I found a lamp in a back alley
When I rubbed it the genie said 'You may have a long memory, or a long penis' I forget my response
I think my neighbor is stalking me through her computer because I've seen her google my name.
I'm certain I saw it on my telescope last night.
Times New Roman walks into a saloon.
The bartender says to him, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your type here." So he shot the serif.
Masturbating while hooked up to a heart monitor can really mess with a hospital staff
They never know if you're coming or going
The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job.
I have half a mind to tell him so.
My gay friend told me he's spending this 4/20 with his boyfriend.
He said, "After all, the Bible says 'Two men who lie together shall be stoned'."
I made a deposit at the sperm bank last night.
She really hates it when I call her that though.
SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended.
He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
Archaeologists digging in Egypt discovered a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Nuts
Experts believe it to be a Pharaoh Roche
yo momma so ugly
her vibrator needs viagra
I once told a chemistry joke
There was no reaction
If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect.
You have to recall everything.
Reflection vs Refraction
the point at which I realize how lucky I am to not have an Asian professor.
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
I asked my girlfriend if she could wake me up with oral sex.
I woke up to her sitting on my face.
If Donald Trump becomes president
we will have toupee more taxes.
I'm always hard at work.
But Human Resources keeps telling me that it's extremely inappropriate to have erections at the office.
My wife is a sex object
Every time I ask for sex she objects.
3 fonts walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "We don't serve your type."
I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.
I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks.
Dad loved her, but mum said she could've done with another hour on a low heat.
A vegan, an atheist, and a CrossFit enthusiast walk into a bar.
I only know because they wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu".
I am pretty sure about it.
When I was growing up my parents used to tell me that I can be anyone I wanted.
Now the police call that Identity theft.
Two snakes walk into a bar.
Turns out they were lizards.
Three social media news article writers walk into a bar
You won't believe what happens next.
I bought my mom a fridge for her birthday present
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it!
Enough with the Gay jokes.
Cum on guys.
My girlfriend finally asked me who I've had sex with in all of my life
I held back nothing and told her about every one of them. My first, the girls in highschool, that one time with her friend back in college, until I got to her... I probably should've stopped there.
It's Albert Einstein, not mine
Few things are Infinite, The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.
When the devil loses hair
There will be hell toupee
Who is this Rorschach guy?
And why does he keep making paintings of my parents fighting?
Yo momma
Yo mommas so ugly that even her dildo has to take Viagra
A relationship is like a fart
If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Comic Sans walks into a bar.
The bartender yells, "we don't serve your type in here."
Scientists have discovered the number one food that kills a woman's sex drive
Wedding cake
A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking
She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.
A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church...
The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here." The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass."
I asked my wife if we could have sex even though she was on her period..
...she said she may be able to pull some strings
New dating app for German Catholic Priests
Kinder
My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology.
She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in bullshit.
A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot.
It got toad.
No one laughed at my geography joke
I guess you had to be there.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
She said "I'm sorry, but you're just too immature." I looked her dead in the face and said "Get the fuck outa my treehouse!"
Donald Trump is not actually a member of the Republican Party
He's a *Whig*
While in bed, my girlfriend said, "OMG it's so large!"
Problem is, I'm a serious arachnophobe, and it was right next to me.
A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."
I majored in Politics, Computer Science, and Dance.
Now I'm stuck writing Al Gore Rhythms.
I bought a new sex doll...
it's so realistic she doesn't wanna have sex with me.
When Donald Trump has sex, his female partner is always on top.
Because he always fucks up.
I fucked a fat woman in an elevator once
It was wrong on so many levels
If you and jack were horseback riding
Would you help jack off the horse?
Call of Duty is like the Boy Scouts,
everyone's gay, and there's a lot of camping.
I can never talk to my Dad at breakfast because he still reads newspapers.
I guess you could say he's behind The Times.
My first workout back at the gym was great.
I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My girlfriend left me....
she said she was sick of my tree puns what a beech
I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs
I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"
Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal
Now the men can finally marry their brothers
Girlfriend told me she wanted to see our kids
so I came in her eye
I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach...
You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk.
My girlfriend hates orgasms.
Whenever I give her one she just spits it out.
My girlfriend doesn't want to drop acid with me.
She's acting like a basic bitch.
I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee...
My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug
So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church
I really hope I get the missionary position
I like sleeping with amish women.
That way I don't have to call the next day.
I texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over.
I'm Ruthless.
My Asian girlfriend says that a small dick is no problem,
although I'd prefer if she didn't had one.
I bet my butcher £50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high".
I used to date computer programs but that's over now
My girlfriend still worries that I may go back but I reply to her "they're just exes "
Car company executives must have the best memories in the world
because GM recalls everything.
Sex with a homeless guy
is right up your alley
There's a type of bee that after it stings you, you pass out and it tries to have sex with you.
It's a Cos-Bee.
How Long is an asian dick
I mean, seriously, I saw him stealing cookies from a little girl.
A pothead, a rapist and a dog killer walk into a bar.
The Steelers must be in town.
Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia
Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago...
...and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately.
He's on the low-fact diet.
Beyonce has more black people inside her than.
Donald trumps cabinet.
Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers.
They don't like integration.
TIL there was a dinosaur that had three butts.
It was from the Triassic period.
Give a cat a box and he'll be happy for a day
Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you're doing with your life
A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.
"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato
To the handicapped guy who stole my bag:
You can hide but you can't run.
If you had a choice between world peace or Bill Gates' money, what color would your Lamborghini be?
Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread
Hitler made 5 million Jews toast
I've spent the last hour masturbating on the couch.
This psychiatrist seems to be taking a lot of notes.
My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday...
So I took her to a baseball game.
My girlfriend said I'm too immature for her.
"If I'm immature, how come I've got an Arsfor?" She said "What's an Arsfor?" "Shitting!" I said, and giggled for 20 minutes.
I got teased by my friends, because they thought my girlfriend was imaginary
Jokes on them - they are too.
I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport,
boy she has a lot of baggage.
I turned into a cat earlier
Don't ask meow
The scientists have finally found out what a woman wants.
But she has already changed her mind.
'Jesus loves you' means one thing in general society.
And something completely different in prison.
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex
The build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
I ate too much alphabet soup and became consonated.
I was better after I evacuated my vowels.
My friend's bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset
But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.
I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend
They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.
A woman walks into a bar and says, "I'll have an entendre, in fact, make it a double"
So he gave it to her.
Hillary Clinton will make the best president
She will save us 25% in salary right from the start.
My date seemed really excited when I said I had a horse's cock.
For some reason she seemed disgusted when I took it out of the fridge.
The font for alphabet soup
Is times new ramen.
My girlfriend is like my iPad
I don't have an iPad.
Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to the Masters.
Just in case they get a hole in one.
I asked my masseuse if it was unusual to get an erection during a massage...
the masseuse replied, "not at all it happens all the time." So I said, "well do you mind keeping it out of my face."
Abortion jokes are never funny.
So if you accidentally start forming one, you should terminate it before it comes to fruition.
My girlfriend and I could never agree on holidays...
I wanted to fly to exotic places and stay in luxurious five-star hotels. And she wanted to come with me.
I changed my password to "incorrect"
So when I forget it my computer will tell me "your password is incorrect"
If I was a cop, I would write the word 'Influence' on a bridge, and pull over anyone that drives under it.
I've always dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange soda
It's a fanta-sea of mine
The woman next to me on this roller-coaster won't stop screaming and shouting.
It's like she's never seen a penis before.
If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card
...I'd have $0.77 cents.
I got security cameras fitted outside my house just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.
Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe.
I bought a friend of mine an elephant for his room
He said thanks. I said don't mention it.
The Sahara desert walks into a bar.
The barman says "long time no sea."
If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you?
I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump.
My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.
I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders. So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.
My brother just messaged me "I love my girlfriend < 3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
I thought about another woman while having sex with my wife
so to make up for it... I thought of my wife while having sex with another woman.
I hate talking to my boyfriend sometimes.
Every time I bring up his camping fetish, he pitches a huge tent.
My 82 year old Grandpa's favorite joke
A skeleton walks into a bar, sits down and says "I'll have a beer and a mop"
Anne Frank showed a cunning and resolve that any Jew would have been proud of.
Two years rent free.
Got pulled over while doing calculus in my car last night
Cop said I was deriving over the limit.
Asians are so bad at driving
That I think Pearl harbour was an accident.
A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.
The New England Patriots must be in town.
A Jewish woman gets up mid-flight and shouts, "Is there a doctor in the house?"
A nice man stands up from his seat and says, "I am! What's the problem?" Woman replies, "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
A physicist saw a man standing on a ledge
The physicist yelled out "Don't jump, you have so much potential!"
I ordered a penis enlarger from eBay last week.
The bastard sent me a magnifying glass.
I have a dog with no legs.
His name is Cigarette because I have to take him out for a drag.
The inventor of the air conditioner has died
Thousands of fans are attending his funeral
Lost three toes in a wood-chopping accident and my girlfriend dumped me
Said she's lack-toes intolerant
My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep
but the kids on his bus were screaming.
My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work.
She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen.
The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop.
The steaks were high.
Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well
Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!
My girlfriend is a keeper.
She's perfect, but I never score.
How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower.
Hand her a shovel!
I asked God for a bike...
... but then realized that is not how God works. So I stole some kid's bike and asked God for forgiveness.
A rapist, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar
They came, they saw, they conquered
Gay men are so mean.
They're all fucking assholes.
I like my Men like I like my Coffee
I'm Mormon. I'm not allowed.
Black Guy shot 15 times by the Alabama Police
Worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
Marriage is like a seesaw.
It's not fun if one of them is fat.
50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand
the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*
Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver...
I only abuse it when I'm drinking.
I joined a forum for people with Down syndrome.
Comments are disabled.
An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents
Her mother says: "You bring great Shamus to this family."
Politician (noun):
Someone who will lay down your life for his country.
Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake
My girlfriend told me she likes vaginal sex more than anal sex because it's a lot cleaner
No shit
So my neighbor asked me to fix her sink
She's obviously never seen a porno because it's been an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink
Marriage brings two people together
to solve issues they never had before
My girlfriend broke up with me for my obsession with touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size.
It was a narrow "S" cape.
Two blondes walk into a bar
The first one says "Don't worry, I didn't see it either".
I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"
A kid meal is £250
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's 'Hi, How are you?'"
My girlfriend treats me like I'm God
She ignores my existence and doesn't ever speak to me.
My girlfriend's dad just gave me the green light.
Which was very generous, but I don't find him sexy.
Anal is like brushing your teeth.
If you see blood your not doing it enough.
My doctor told me I had the airport flu.
He says it's terminal.
My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror
But I really can't see myself doing that.
I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier.
Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.
I'm not saying she's a slut
but she did get fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.
A Priest, rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar
And orders a drink
If you were arrested for masturbating on a plane...
....they would have to charge you with hi-jacking
Monica Lewinsky is going to vote for Bernie
The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.
Trump's wives were immigrants.
Proving again that immigrants will do jobs Americans won't.
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything"
I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?
She's 5 foot 5, 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.
I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app...
When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.
I just sat my girlfriend down on the sofa and said, "There's something I need to do."
"What is it?" she asked, "You're scaring me." I said, "I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore." She immediately jumped up, punched me in the face and ran out of the house screaming, "Never talk to me again you bastard!!" Fucking great. £1500 this engagement ring cost me.
My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.
There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
I knew you'd come crawling back
the minute I stole your wheelchair
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what it'd like.
RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM
People are so unreliable
Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.
What happens when the pope dies?
Another one popes up.
I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea
It was a dishonorable discharge
The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.
It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
My science teacher said he was going to show me his transistor.
Imagine my surprise when a girl with a penis appeared.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
My ex was like a computer game.
Started off easy, got a little harder and eventually I ended up cheating.
My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.
Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.
Beer has female hormones
Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.
I got arrested the other day for stealing full stops.
I'm looking at a long sentence.
Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.
He's 0K right now.
I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.
But he kept his Word.
I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had.
Yep, home schooling has its perks.
Sorry we don't serve time travelers here
Two time travelers walk into a bar
Having sex in a mental hospital
Now that's fucking insane.
My girlfriend asked me to send her a dick pic.
But my panorama app kept crashing.
I tried to rob a bank using jello cast in the shape of a gun
The police charged me with carrying a congealed weapon
A list of Hillary Clinton jokes.
[deleted]
3 mods walk into a strip club
[removed]
My Gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.
Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for assholes.
I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes!
It's called Twenty Pho Seven
Putting Your exam results on the window of your car
So you can park in disabled spots.
I heard it said that one in every three people will cheat in a relationship.
I just can't tell if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
Chinese Food is amazing
but I do find it hard to believe that a chicken fried this rice
A redneck walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin.
He walks up to the host and says table for two please.
I swallowed two strings by accident, and when I finally passed them they were miraculously tied together
I shit you knot
My girlfriend started biting her lip to look sexy...
How do I tell her it's supposed to be the bottom lip?
A sandwich walks into a bar
The bartender stares at it blankly and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food."
For me sex is like a game.
A single player game.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs.
I said maybe.
Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist.
No matter what you say, you're still wrong.
He's making a list, he's checking it twice.
He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice. Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎶
Animals can sense disasters before they happen.
That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.
I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry
There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites.
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.
A neutrino walked into a bar.
Working with horses is hard
but it's stable work.
I've got a friend who's a female private investigator.
Or gynecologist, as she likes to be called.
Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart
and stopped littering
Someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds
Poor bastard.
My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.
I think he took a fence.
I'm in a complex relationship
My girlfriend is imaginary.
I told my girlfriend I wanted some new pussy.
She told me to grow an inch.
My professor asked me to define narcissism
I said, "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."
In Germany, we know of a joke
The French military.
What were the old-time gangster's last words?
"Who put this fucking violin in my violin case?!"
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
When 3 people have sex, it's called a threesome...
When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. Now I understand why they call me handsome.
'That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches.
"Nah." "Fine, suture self."
I farted in front of a Jewish friend
He got offended but I said " c'mon a little gas never killed anybody"
My neighbors listen to good music
If they like it or not
I don't know why people are surprised when I tell them my Grandfather Made it out of Auschwitz.
Most of the German officers did.
Yo mama is so fat that
when she walked in front of the TV, I missed 3 seasons of Breaking Bad
So I was out shopping for a Mothers Day gift for tomorrow
I bet that scared the shit out of you
For my birthday my friends got me a sweater.
I would have preferred a screamer or moaner, but a sweater was fine.
The Chinese are celebrating the year of the rooster
Meanwhile the Americans are celebrating the year of the cock
I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work.
Instead I got fired for masturbating.
My girlfriend told me she is sick of me quoting movies all the time
I said quite frankly my dear I don't give a damn
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.
The choice for president came down to two candidates: the moody bitch or
Hillary Clinton.
Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression.
Now I'm depressed *and* hung over.
My dog used to chase after people on bike
So I took the bike away from him.
My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.
The toughest part was acting surprised.
I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.
That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
I saw a gay midget the other day
I thought wow that's a little queer
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right
But two Wrights make an airplane
My relationship is complex
part real, part imaginary.
I bought my son a puppy for his birthday but I accidentally ran him over as I was backing out my driveway. At least I still have the puppy
My computer just said 'hello' to me.
I think it might be a Dell.
Don't you hate it when your girlfriend yells out a different name during sex
Like bitch, my name isn't "someone help"
My girlfriend has accused me of stalking her.
Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet.
Yo momma cooks so bad...
The flys all chipped in and fixed the screen door. We're here all night, don't forget to tip your waiter!!
Was very disappointed when I went into a German restaurant and asked for their best
But they served me their wurst.
To all the haters out there, I think Melania Trump's speech hit all the right keys.
Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V
I'm gonna sell my vacuum cleaner.
It's just collecting dust
I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute
After all, it was her thirty second birthday.
How does a farmer count his cows??
with a Cowculator!!
I just found out my cousin and her husband are pregnant
Everyone keeps saying they don't know the sex but I am pretty sure it wasn't anal
I didn't realize how religious the Japanese are.
Always asking me if I have a pray station at home.
I named my hard drive "dat ass"
So once a month my computer would ask if I want to back dat ass up.
They're finally making a movie about that guy who had a romantic relationship with his clock.
It's about fucking time.
Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.
Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.
When I got depressed, I joined the Army.
I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.
What does a cop and a dj have in common
They both tell drunk people to put their hands up
Recently found out my toaster was not waterproof
I was shocked.
I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.
It was good, but the bill was enormous.
Since I started dating my girlfriend half a year ago I became a millionaire
6 months ago I was a billionaire.
A cowboy opens a German car dealership
His business card says "Audi Partner"
Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women.
But unfortunately most of them spit it out.
I heard 80% of all accident happen within 10 miles of home.
So I moved.
I've just been at the hospital having a mole removed from my penis.
I won't be shagging one of those again!
My gay friend fell into the ocean
Good thing he's so flambuoyant.
I hardly ever drink
Only 2 times a year to be exact On my birthday, And when it's not my birthday
I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...
after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office. No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
78% of black men like sex in the shower
The other 22% haven't been to prison yet
My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,
but jokes on them because I own a piano.
Anal with my girlfriend made my day.
But it made her hole weak.
My face is so oily
The US wants to invade it.
My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..
..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.
98% of black people love having sex in showers
The other 2% haven't been to prison yet
So my friend asked me how often I make chemistry jokes.
I replied "Periodically"
A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"
So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"
2 Nazis walk into a BAR
They each get 10 shots
I told my girlfriend I'd buy her a wedding ring if she gave me a blowjob.
She's a sucker for love.
If I had a dollar every time Trump said something stupid...
I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.
I got into a fight with my erection this morning.
I beat it single handedly.
My dad said "Always leave them wanting more."
That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.
I remember when my mum used to tuck me in.
She really wanted a daughter.
My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh.
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
My girlfriends father wouldn't let us sleep together when I stayed over at her house
Which is a shame because he's very attractive.
Marriage is like a card game.
At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday
It was mighty kind of them, but they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to take part in a rape fantasy
She screamed NO!! I said that's the spirit
So, a one-hump camel marries a two-hump camel, and they have a baby, but the baby didn't have a hump.
So they named him Humphrey.
My dad always told me to treat women like flowers.
So I tore my girlfriend apart limb by limb to find out whether or not she loved me.
The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.
They are sending them out to sea.
A redneck broke up with his girlfriend
it wasn't all that bad, she said they could still be cousins.
They say curiosity killed the cat,
but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place
I am in the S&M period in my relationship
She sleeps, I masturbate.
If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...
...forward four-word foreword for Word.
I saw the army of Lichtenstein the other day.
He was a really nice guy.
I like the NSA
They're the only government agency that listens
You know what you call a marine with an IQ of 160
A platoon.
A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have sex with Ted Cruz.
91% said 'Never Again'.
Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs.
If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.
I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.
Because I wasn't wearing a condom.
If you have sex on a boat...
...is that off-shore drilling?
I warn you not to mess with me!
I know Karate, Judo, Aikido, Jiu Jitsu and 22 other japanese words.
The NSA isn't all that bad
It's the only part of the American government that listens to its citizens!
I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.
It's a lot to digest
If I give you breakfast in bed just say "thanks"
Not "who are you" and "how did you get in here"
War is God's way of teaching
Americans geography.
My girlfriend is a pornstar
Shes gunna kill me when she finds out.
A vampire masturbating into a mirror.
You didn't see that coming.
My wife is so sweet
Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.
They say that 1 out of 3 people has cheated on their relationship
I'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
I got arrested at the airport last week.
Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.
How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex.
I called her.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me
She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening
I'm going to check out the new restaurant called Karma.
There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.
Americans won't get this
Free healthcare
A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me
So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.
She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you." Fuck you, Chelsey.
My girlfriend's dad wouldn't let us sleep together
which is a shame because he's very attractive
I like my women like I like my golf game
Around 80 and handicapped.
A white man was arrested after shooting a black man on the street.
He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory"
But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need...
Not all this, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.
My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night
lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.
Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans don't want.
Like marrying Donald Trump.
My secretary doesn't wear any bra or panties to work.
But he types really well.
I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup.
After that I had a massive vowel movement.
Helen Keller walks into a bar.
Then a table, and then a chair
I wrote a song about a coal digger having sex with a 15 year old.
I call it 'A Miner in a Minor' in A minor.
Three helium atoms walk into a bar
HeHeHe
The man who invented anagrams has died.
May he erect a penis.
It's complicated having sex with hipsters.
They don't like things that are "in".
Gravity walks into a bar in space
And shit goes **down**
Sex is like math
These days I'm doing it all by hand
Genders are like the twin towers
There used to be 2 of them, but now it is a sensitive topic.
The saddest joke I've heard
My wife ran off with my best friend... Now, when I throw the stick, it just lays there.
A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:
DON'T JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL
A girlfriend is like a good joke.
If I told you I had one, you'd probably laugh.
I'm probably moving back to my home country if Trump gets elected.
Not by choice either.
The cannibal was late to dinner
He was given the cold shoulder
Donald Trump's doctor has recently prescribed him Prozac.
He told him it would help him control hispanics.
Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny
Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it
In marriage there are 3 types of rings
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
Ivan Pavlov walks into a bar.
The bartender rings the bell for last drinks, and he thinks, "Shit - I forgot to feed the dog."
Never call a woman fat.
An elephant never forgets.
A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him.
His neighbor is curious and asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?" The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"
Say all the bad things you want about pedophiles
But at least they drive slowly through school zones.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would be nice...
...None of that "How did you get into my house?" business.
Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...
What the fuck were they so excited about?
My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.
She didn't believe I was God.
"Honey, I don't like how you look with these new glasses."
"But I don't wear glasses.." "I know, but I do."
Two cows walk into a vegan bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
My daughter was whining about her chores.
She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment. I said, "no, just do the floor."
My girlfriend asked if I would spend a month away from her for 5000 dollars.
It's tempting, but I don't think I can afford it.
My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule.
Doesn't exist by definition.
Gay deer
A gay deer walks out of a bar and says "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks"
A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive.
I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."
I tried to start an online bakery.
But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian they laughed at me.
They're not laughing now.
Sex with me is just like my childhood birthday parties
No one ever comes and I cry when it's all over
I caught my neighbor putting a layer of topsoil on my allotment
The plot thickened
The United States has such bad luck
It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I don't need a girlfriend, I can just play Pokemon Go
The servers go down on me every day
My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.
She's kind of high maintenance.
The trick to a good joke is nailing the punchline.
Jesus
I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital...
They told me that case was sensitive.
Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public.
Came clean in court.
Heroin use among horses have grown
But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.
I'm living in a rough neighbourhood...
Some thug tore the front and back pages of my dictionary out! It just goes from Bad to Worse
30 people walk into a bar
This is the worst game of limbo I've ever seen
My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
My girlfriend just texted me "myspacebarisbrokencanyougivemeanalternative?"
Does anyone know what "ternative" means?
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people
Push and pull.
I like my coffee how I like my women
Imported from poor South American countries.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.
If God was a woman.
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek"
" Together We can stop this shit"
I didn't know you could win prizes for staying in a hospital bed for a long time.
But my brother got a trophy.
My butcher is very rude
I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
My Friends Call Me A Pedophile
Because she's 18 and I'm 30, but I'll be damned if I let them ruin our seven year anniversary.
My girlfriend asked me how do I see lesbian relationships
Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the right answer.
I'm ordering a chicken and an egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night
A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato
So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together
Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.
If Donald trump takes over the presidency after Obama
I guess you could say orange really is the new black
I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'.
They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.
My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'
But I'm on a glute-free diet
My stoner neighbors got divorced
but it's okay because they got joint custody
My wife and I are into S&M.
She sleeps and I masturbate.
There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science
0: Naming things 1: Cache invalidation 2: Off by one errors
I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.
Now I'm taking this shit to the next level.
I was so embarrassed when I got an erection during a prostate exam.
Especially when they found out I'm not even a doctor.
I actually have a good Japanese joke.
Anime'd it myself.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,
Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep
I said 'Sure, seventy'.
My wife always cheats when we play board games
Just last night, we were all playing Monopoly in the den and she was next-door fucking the neighbor.
I just got married to a young woman from Thailand and she told me that a small penis is okay.
I still wish she didn't have one though.
I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl last night
I wanted my first time to be special.
Politicians are like Sperm
One in a million turn out to be an actual human being
I started downloading Jaws the other day
But after one megabyte, my computer died.
Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement
In the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree".
Trump Says Immigrants take Jobs Americans Refuse to take.
Like being his wife.
Trumps wives were immigrants
Proving again that they'll do jobs Americans won't
It only takes 3 inches to please a woman.
And it doesn't matter if it's Mastercard, Visa or American Express.
I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars.
I'm guaranteed to find water.
I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl.
I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.
My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.
He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator
It was wrong on so many levels.
I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.
Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.
My dad's bread factory burnt down
Now his business is toast
I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.
I stand corrected.
My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..
I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"
They Say 1 out of 3 People Cheat in a Relationship
Not sure if it's my wife, or my girlfriend.
I've started a business building yachts in my attic
Sails are going through the roof!
I'm not a fan of Trump, but I'd never denigrate his supporters
If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.
What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant?
Can I have a different server?
I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes.
I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
For Christmas I bought my girlfriend a pair of shoes and a dildo.
That way if she doesn't like the shoes she can go fuck herself.
The NSA
The only part of the government that actually listens
I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.
Chemo patients are so sensitive.
I went to a zoo one time and all they had was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
Dad: "Son, if you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind."
Son: "I'm over here Dad."
No matter how kind you are
German children are kinder
I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.
He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.
I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked.
The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low.
My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful.
I told her, "urinate out of ten."
I just grilled a chicken for 8 hours.
And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.
I was suddenly awoken with a blowjob this morning.
That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
My neighbor is loud and obnoxious
Now I know how Canada feels
My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.
It was mine.
I've been trying to find my girlfriend's killer for the last month.
Nobody's agreeing to do it.
The price of balloons is said to rise.
It's only logical with all the inflation.
I like Freudian Slips as much as the next gay.
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
My girlfriend has the body of a Greek Goddess;
Imaginary
The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen
I was having an allergic reaction.
Yo mama's so fat
Her nose can't even run Came up with this myself and was quite proud
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me
She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me." I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."
My girlfriend is a porn star.
She's going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon
It never really took off.
I once installed a sky light in my apartment.
Boy were my upstairs neighbors pissed.
My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.
At least that's what the cat told me.
Cute names to call your girlfriend with
1.sugar 2.honey 3.flour 4.egg 5.1/2 lb butter 6.stir 7.pour into pan 8.preheat to 375°
A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon
He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
Went to dinner with my girlfriend tonight and got called a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 19.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:
The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
They say statistically, 1 out of every 3 of your neighbors are likely to be a pedophile.
Luckily for me, I live next to two gorgeous 12 year olds.
Some chick got her nipple pierced at the bar last night.
I'm not very good at darts.
I love throwing house warming parties
But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.
How is an American teen girl different from an Arab teen girl.
An American teen girl gets stoned *before* she has sex.
I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye
So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen
My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh.
Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.
I accidentally called out my mums name during sex
and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me
She is not a fan.
I tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia
but she kept bringing it back up
Trying to make a password
Me: beefstew Computer: sorry, password not stroganoff
If I had a dollar for every time I got laid...
I'd be a prostitute.
I think my girlfriend has a trigonometry fetish
because every time I talk to her she gets off on a tangent.
I can't believe my girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
And with her ankles showing, the slut.
I masturbate with soap
Just thought I'd come clean
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle.
Easy when I have a knife.
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door
His girlfriend is dead against it.
Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed
I'm sure they'll soon get over it
Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?
Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?
You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?
In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
About a week ago, my Girlfriend developed anorexia
Ever since then, I've been seeing less and less of her.
The length of my penis was in the Guinness Book Of World Records
Until the librarian told me to take it out
Civil War spoilers
Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
I hate making spelling mistakes.
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukkake party.
You should have seen her face.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room
The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
I recently watched my wedding video backwards.
I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.
My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on...
Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.
I have a confession to make: I masturbate in the shower.
It feels good to come clean.
My girlfriend said to me...
"If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..." Turns out she meant together.
So my new girlfriend plays soccer professionally
I think she's a keeper
My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."
I wish I'd thought of that quote.
Stop sending toys to children in Africa
It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.
I never want to have a threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.
My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem
After she left I lost the urge to drink.
I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend...
she said "Clearly not."
A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.
He goes home sober.
My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake.
He beat me at Mario Kart.
Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much
We may as well call him the "Not Si" President
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.
It's like she's never seen a penis before.
The police just released a statement that someone is going around pickpocketing midgets.
I'm surprised someone could stoop so low.
My wife: "vacation sex really is the best!"
Worst postcard I ever received.
Tobacco companies kill their best customers
And condom companies kill their future customers.
A Poem
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Stop memes about Harambe -Cincinnati Zoo
I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday...
But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry. PS:Not sure if this one has been on here before or not, a friend told it to me and I thought it should go here.
I am 38, last night I was out with my 19 y.o. girlfriend and someone yelled "paedophile!" ...
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
I think my wife is dead
I mean, the sex is no different, but the dishes keep piling up
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.
My thoughts are with his family.
I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye.
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.
"Hand me downs"
Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.
I just ended a 5 years long relationship
I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.
I accidentally gave my wife super glue instead of Chapstick
She's still not talking to me.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she sounded like my wife
My girlfriend was on her.
So I put it in her:
I wanted to start a business selling premium dildos,
but I think I can't compete with Apple selling overpriced stuff for assholes.
TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships.
So they can Scan da navy in
Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president.
I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email
My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas
She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it. Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't take anything out in time.
Donald Trump has just announced his candidacy for president
Sorry for putting the punchline in the title.
Iran bans Americans from traveling there.
Won't beheading there anymore
My friend got hired at a dildo factory
He got fired the very next day for sitting on the job
My girlfriend said I treat her like a little girl.
So, I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
"You look like a million bucks"...
...said Bill Gates disappointedly to his wife.
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name.
He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh".
The NSA
A government organization that actually listens to you!
Sex is like a good joke
I don't get it
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer
I saw it through my telescope last night.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
It's ok though, she always comes crawling back.
My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.
I said "maybe".
I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.
I have sex with her because it's kinky.
My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Then I got kicked out of the library.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex
But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I asked my girlfriend what she would do if I won the lottery
She said: I would take half of it and run away Then I replied: ok I won 10 dollars here's 5 now get the fuck out
Bad news about shortbread!
They're not making it any longer.
What does DNA stand for
National Dyslexia Association.
For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.
Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.
The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial
The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going
The internet is an amazing thing.
One minute I'm at work looking up random pages, passing the time, the next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.
My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex.
The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch
Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names
I took my girlfriend home to meet the family
My wife went fucking ballistic
Just like winning the lottery...
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right.....we had 6 matching balls.
I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall...
He said, "Eh, I'll get over it."
My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.
I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."
My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas
I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Confucius Say
It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She's a 10 but it sucks because she's imaginary.
Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game
Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot
Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home
I guess he's homeless.
Anal sex is like broccoli
If you're forced to have it as a kid, yo won't enjoy it as an adult.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
My doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often
Well, he actually said I could have a stroke any time.
My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny...
So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes I had written about the Victorian era.
When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
I had to put my foot down
If you can't beat them
What's the point of having children?
Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.
My mom is such a bad actress.
Having sex with you is like playing hide and seek
After the first 60 seconds you yell "ready or not, here I come!"
Argon walks into a bar.
The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.
Guy having sex says "damn, there should be a law against sex this good"
To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy"
The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.
The child didn't look surprised.
When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed
My name, my address, my phone number
My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.
I don't know why it keeps saying that.
Wearing crocs is like getting your dick sucked by a man.
Feels great and then you look down and realize you're gay.
Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.
Maybe I should let her in.
If your girlfriend starts smoking
Slow down and start using a lubricant
My girlfriend says that small penis isn't that big of a problem
But I still think that she shouldn't have one.
I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.
It really makes my patients nervous.
So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid
Guess that makes it Priustoric
For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."
I haven't worn it yet.
I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin
Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
My new thai girlfriend said "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship"
I still wish she didn't have one though.
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I failed my chemistry lab exam.
I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.
I bought my wife a dildo and a book for her birthday..
If she doesn't like the book she can go fuck herself.
My girlfriend was standing nude...
in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw. She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now." To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."
A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...
Doctor: "Well I can't find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking" Mick : "I'll come back when you're sober Doctor"
I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.
Luckily it was only a virus.
The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Most of the jokes posted here are like gay muslims
Beaten to death.
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?
Depends, what is yours?
Just found out I'm colorblind
it came out of the yellow.
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife
I thought it was a great trade.
My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover
Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
A wizard walked into a gay bar
and disappeared with a poof.
My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper
looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night
My next shit could spell trouble
My friend found out recently that he is both gay and dyslexic.
He is still in Daniel.
I asked a pretty homeless woman...
I asked a pretty homeless women if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a Piss while in the Shower....
My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the Shower. I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally." She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!" "Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."
[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'
Pence: 'The fewer' Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'
My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you." Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."
My family insists I am addicted to drinking brake fluid.
But I can stop any time I want.
My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car
and she wanted me to drive -The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)
So Hillary Clinton logs into her e-mail
[deleted]
two deer are leaving a gay bar
one turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there"
Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue
For the devil can take many forms
A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar
The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead
I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had sex...
He started counting then fell asleep.
My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,
But for the life of me, I can't figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
Gosh, hell must be really awkward.
I mean there's Hitler, and all the Jews.
If I had a dollar for every time I had sex
I'd be a cheap prostitute
Tried changing my password to "14days"
but it was two week
Just found out I was dating a commie
Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier
My phone fell from the 20th floor,
good thing it was in airplane mode.
What are the options?
Air Hostess to passenger: "Sir would you like to have dinner?" Passenger: "What are the options?" Air Hostess: "Yes and No."
The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm
Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.
I shot a Black Man the other day
I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.
My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship..
But I still wish she didn't have one at all.
________________________
With all the bad puns going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.
At my new job I have 500 people under me.
I mow grass at a cemetery.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.
They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
My girlfriend has the hottest ass in the world.
Me
Introducing my girlfriend to the family
Me: This is my girlfriend Jane Jane: Hi Wife: What the fuck
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I just read Trump's book "The Art of the Deal"
It had four Chapter 11's.
I saw an advert that read: "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."
I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man
So I stuck it in her ass and said "yeah, you like that Steve?"
My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers
I stop at nothing to avoid them.
Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble.
You have my Word.
Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.
But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches.
This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.
I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.
I hate cops.
My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh
Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.
My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day
So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
Hillary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.
Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.
Anal sex is just like your first car
You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway
My daughter just lost her first tooth!
That'll teach her to talk back.
People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.
What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.
Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.
So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
My dad posted a picture of his "Condom challenge fail"
It was a picture of me
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers.
Happy Father's day
A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.
The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we'll try anal.
So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name
He was like, "No way!" I was like, "Yahweh"
My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her. I said "back in '09".
It sounds much better than saying September.
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex
She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years
My password is pussy
Because most hackers don't get it
People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.
Hitler was good at making speeches
My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8
Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
Somebody told me my clothes were gay.
I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."
The other day I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.
I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.
Don't die a virgin.
Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh more.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room.
They said thank you. I said don't mention it.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer
than the men who mention it
A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar.
comedy removed due to complaints -
I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.
But she pulled some strings and got me in.
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances.
Well she's in for a shock.
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know
I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee
Without other people's dicks in it.
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night
The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:
You can hide, but you can't run.
If Trump wins I'm leaving the country if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country
Not a political post, I just love to travel
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda.
That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.
I guess the N's justify the means.
Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
Women are like Hurricanes
They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home.
She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.
3 mods walk into a bar
[deleted]
Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral
But not my Sister.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic
Because they are more likely to be dead.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.
Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge:
"This is not working. I'm going to my mum's house."
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.
Women are so confusing!
Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.
Kinda like yo momma.
My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36.
Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.
'90s kids won't get this
Social security
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges.
Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall
On the condition he gets to install windows.
A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic and it's tearing his family apart
My mother in Law fell down a wishing well, and I was amazed...
I never knew they worked.
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog.
Now he is blind and has chemical burns all over his body.
I used to think I had the coolest secret handshake with Helen Keller.
Then I realized she was talking shit about me.
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.
They sit down and have a calm discussion about the differences in their beliefs.
A kangaroo walks into a bar.
It is a fairly common occurrence in Australia and normal process is carried out of evacuating the premises and calling animal control to deal with the situation.
So a Jew, a black guy, and a Mexican all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey guys, what would you like?"
They all get beer.
3 Jews walk into a bar.
I lied it was a gas chamber.
An elephant walks into a bar.
Except not really, it couldn't fit through the door.
A woman walks into a bar.
She is pregnant and gives her baby fetal alcohol syndrome.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I feel like a pair of curtains!"
The doctor replied, "That's probably because you're schizophrenic."
Rocky teased Johnny by saying, "Your momma is so fat , she looks like a hippo."
What he didn't know was that Johnny's mother was suffering a terminal glandular problem combined with aggressive cancer.
You're so ugly...
When you look in the mirror it displays you're reflection because that is what mirrors do.
In Soviet Russia, joke tells YOU!
...because that is the syntax of the language.
A horse walked into a bar.
Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
Pupil: "My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were."
Mother: "Well next time remember where you put things!"
My mother in Law and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met each other.
Two fat blokes sitting in a pub, one say to the other, "Your round!"
The other man replies, "so are you, you fat bastard!"
Teacher: "Give me three reasons why the world is round!"
Pupil: "Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!"
The food in our school canteen is perfect.
If you are a bug!
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through hell.
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.
Women somewhat deteriorate during the night.
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
Teacher: "I'm glad to see your writing has improved."
Little Johnny: "Thank you!"
Teacher: "Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!"
We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.
Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Will this be on the test?
Pupil: "This egg is bad!"
Cook: "Don't blame me I only laid the table!"
Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you copying from David's work!"
Little Johnny: "I hope you didn't too!"
Always give 100 % at work:
12 % Monday.
23 % Tuesday.
40 % Wednesday.
20 % Thursday.
5 % Friday.
"What is an island?"
"A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
"On one side?"
"Yes, on top!"
Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
I do what I get paid to do.
Teacher: give me a sentence with the word fascinate in it
Student: I have a jacket with 10 buttons on it but I only fasten eight
What did God think after he created Adam?
"I can do better."
Then he created Eve.
What did he think then?
"Dammit, my last one was better!"
Pupil: "I thought we got a choice for dinner but there is only sausages and fries."
Dinner Lady: "That's the choice, take it or leave it!"
This is an A B conversation.
C your way out.
Teacher: "In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question."
Pupil: "How long for the answer sir!"
Pupil: "I don't like cheese with holes!"
Dinner Lady: "Well just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate!"
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I pay your salary!
"Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa now!"
"Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!"
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
What did one gay sperm say to the other?
How do we get out of this shit?
A housewife accused a maid for stealing her panties.
In her defence, she said: "Madam, I don't wear panties even if you ask sir!"
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
"Mommy Mommy, Daddy fell out the window."
"Shut up, don't make me laugh, my lips are chapped."
My husband said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
I always know when it's the mother in Law knocking at the door.
The mice throw themselves in the traps.
Pupil: "I don't think I deserved the 0 % you gave me for that test."
Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Pupil: "There is a dead fly in my dinner"
Cook: "Oh dear, I wonder if it died after tasting it!"
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
What is the most popular pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in for you?"
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Chuck Norris doesn't check his closet for the bogeyman.
The bogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Our local drug store is selling tampons with bells on.
But just for the Christmas period.
"Why does your geography exam have a big zero over it."
"It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!"
I asked my wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her: "How about the kitchen?"
Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Yo momma is so old.
She sat behind jesus in the third grade.
What do you call men who masturbate using 'OMO' washing detergent
'OMO-SEXUALS'
By three measures a manager is known:
1) The thickness of the carpet in his office.
2) The area of his desk.
3) The volume of his car's engine.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Some motherly advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
I'm so damn pretty.
After looking at me, the girl who you thought was the prettiest will start looking like Miley cyrus.
My friend thinks he's smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
Father: "How did you do in your tests?"
Son: "I did what George Washington did!"
Father: "What was that?"
Son: "Went down in history!"
A man walks into a pole, Ouch,
A woman walks into a pole, she doesn't get a tip.
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
What should you never say to a police officer?
"Hey, did you ever notice the word 'lice' is in the word police?"
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
My mother in Law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
Two blondes walk into a building.
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it!
Mum: "From now on your going to have free school dinners."
Son: "But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!"
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation - Core dumped
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Teacher: "Please don't whistle while studying."
Student: "Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling!"
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I should take her somewhere expensive.
I took her to a petrol station!
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
How did the police know princess dianna had dandruff
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment
10 HOME
20 SWEET
30 GOTO 10
Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.
Neither of them had a mother in Law!
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what the hell was she doing out of the bedroom!?
Managers are like squirrels.
They are rats with good PR, and if you have more than one or two they become a nuisance.
Teacher: "What is a comet?"
Pupil: "A star with a tail!"
Teacher: "Can you name one?"
Pupil: "Lassie!"
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
They said that when a black man becomes president, pigs will fly.
Exactly 100 days after Barack Obama became president swine flu.
Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing match.
It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.
Father: "You've got 4 D's and a C on your report."
Son: "Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject!"
Son: "I can't go to school today."
Father: "Why not?"
Son: "I don't feel well."
Teacher: "Where don't you feel well?"
Son: "In school!"
"Do you know why Mickey Mouse bought a telescope?"
"No, why?"
"Because he wanted to see Pluto!"
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
To!
To who?
To whom.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Chuck Norris does not sleep.
He waits.
One time Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 47 people.
Then the grenade exploded.
(singing) "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day..."
your body rejected the transfer and you died.
It is better to have loved and lost..
Than to have fallen, bleeding, into shark-infested waters.
God wanted to create the world in 10 days...
Chuck Norris gave him 6.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies...
Check the extinct species list.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard.
There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer.
Too bad he has never cried.
So a man walks into a bar with a monkey...
I forget the rest, but your mother is a whore.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
When Chuck Norris doesn't give you the finger.
He tells you how many seconds you have left to live.
It may not be "politically correct" to say this.
But there are over one million U.S Senators.
So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus...
The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another man of your caliber!"
I used to have an imaginary girlfriend but she left me for my best friend.
Apparently he had a bigger imagination.
My girlfriend likes golden meteor showers
(I have kidney stones)
What's 9 inches long,pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth
Her miscarriage
Every time I have sex with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar.
On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
My girlfriend invites me to her home, and she wasn't there, but her sister, who leaned in and said:
"We should have sex right here, when my sister isn't here.", I got up, and ran to my car, when my girlfriend stood there with a smile. "I knew I could trust you!" she said when she hugged me and kissed me passionate. Moral of the story: Always keep condoms in the car.
A world renowned chef undercooked the meat
It was a rare misteak
The good news is my black girlfriend says I have mean dick
The bad news is she's a mathematician.
I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest.
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Guy goes to the doctor and says, " I cnat siht!"
The doctor says, "Clearly, you are having problems with vowel movements."
It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.
They had a great time, he would have loved it
My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I "ruined" her birthday.
I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her birthday.
A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money.
It was a strobbery.
I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back
Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
Donald Trump is not a rapist.
He's an "alternative romantic."
America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president.
You could say they are going toupee for it.
If Trump replaces Obama as president,
Orange will be the new Black.
Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion
Probably because Mexico has more aliens
Teacher: "What can we do to stop water pollution?"
Little Johnny: "Stop taking baths?"